


Love Like This

by thefangirlingdead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AKA EVERYTHING I WRITE LETS BE REAL, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Character Death, Fake Character Death, Light breathplay, M/M, Riding, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death, gross passionate old men sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 14:14:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3384743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi always knew that Erwin was willing to give his life for the good of humanity, but he never actually thought it would happen. Little does he know, Erwin always has a plan, and in this case, his "death" is part of it.</p>
<p>(AKA Erwin fakes his death because I could never write 8 chapters of him being dead.)</p>
<p>Tags will change as the fic goes on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (Won't Last Forever)

**Author's Note:**

> _The sun will stop shining soon_   
>  _And you'll be gone from my life_   
>  _Yeah, you'll be gone, it's as simple as a change of heart_   
>  _But I'm not gonna think about the future_
> 
>  
> 
> _A love like this won't last forever_  
>  _I know that a love like this won't last forever_  
>  _But I, I don't really mind, I don't really mind at all_  
>  \- [Love Like This (acoustic)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usUvgHE0jzc) \- Kodaline
> 
> This is unbeta'd, so if you see any typos or anything, let me know!

It's so cliché.

The first time Levi ever entertains the idea of kissing Erwin, they're in the middle of a heated argument. He's not sure how it happens, but one moment, Erwin is reprimanding him for some risky move he made in the field that almost got people killed (and Levi is arguing that _it didn't, so what's the problem)_ and the next, it just hits him. One moment, Levi is yelling back at Erwin in a way that most members of the Survey Corps would be terrified to do, and the next, he's glancing down at his lips and it sort of just _hits_ him. There isn't any other way to describe it - just one moment, the thought is there and it's _so cliché_ , enemies turned friends turned lovers, but he doesn't act on it. He can't.

In the end, they don't kiss. In the end, Levi lets Erwin win the argument. He leaves his office with his head ducked in submission, a promise not to do it again lingering on his lips, and makes his way back to his own quarters, trying to sort out all of the thoughts racing through his head. 

It's so fucking cliché that Levi is actually surprised he didn't see it before. In a way, Erwin is his life - his _sun_ , if you will. Levi orbits around Erwin. Erwin, this mass of energy and light and _good_. Erwin, who reached out to him when most people would have pushed him away and left him for dead. Erwin believed in him when nobody else would, picked him up when anyone else would have left him down. He's passionate and hard-working and _good_ \- everything he does, every choice he makes is for the betterment of mankind. Erwin is everything that Levi never knew that he wanted to be - everything he _can't_ be, and in a way, that's what makes him so desirable, so unobtainable.

After that day - after that fleeting thought of kissing Erwin - Levi pushes it to the back of his mind. He doesn't think on it, doesn't even entertain the idea, because he knows that it would never work. It's not realistic. In fact, it's a little childish to feel that way for the first person to look his way, to believe in him. So he pushes the thought away, keeps his head down, and keeps working hard, because in the Survey Corps, there's always work to be done.

In fact, Levi doesn't even think about that fleeting moment of desire - the moment when he glanced down at Erwin's lips - until almost a year later, and when it hits him then, it hits hard.

It's like any other normal afternoon behind the walls - Levi finds himself sitting in Erwin's office, perched on the edge of his desk, going over plans for the next expedition with him. Really, Hanji and Mike should be there as well, but Hanji is busy working with a few new recruits (which in hindsight, was probably an awful idea, she's going to get one of them killed before they even leave the walls) and Mike had been nowhere to be found when Erwin had tried to call a meeting with the three of them. So late that afternoon, it's just Levi and Erwin, sitting in his office, trying to come up with a new, safer formation for their next expedition beyond the walls.

Honestly, Levi really hates these kinds of meetings. On the field, he rarely sticks to the plan. As much as Erwin sometimes hates it, Levi acts on instinct - he always will. It’s how he’s wired. If there's a problem that he can solve on his own by breaking formation, he'll do it as long as it won't endanger anyone else. That's not to say that he doesn't _listen_ to Erwin, but he knows when to make his own decisions and knows when not to. So this - the paperwork, the formations, the formality of it all - has always seemed awfully unnecessary to Levi. Yes, Erwin's formations work - they always do - but only when things go according to plan, only when they run into simple, easy to kill titans in small numbers. If they ever come across a large amount of them (or an arrebant) the formation is usually useless.

(Sometimes, Levi thinks he hates the formations so much because they hadn't saved all of those people, including Farlan and Isabel, on that rainy day all those years ago, but he doesn't voice that thought to Erwin.)

Levi hates the formations and he hates these meetings, but he trusts and respects Erwin, so that's how he finds himself sitting on the edge of his desk, trying to help him finalize a new formation that's giving him some problems - that's how he finds himself eventually pointing out a flaw in Erwin's plan (something that had been painfully obvious to Levi) and telling him how to fix it. At Levi's words, Erwin freezes, pen in hand, and looks up at Levi from where he's leaning over the desk, small, proud smile spread across his face.

Levi narrows his eyes in confusion at Erwin's odd reaction. "What?" he bites.

"Levi, you're brilliant," Erwin says easily, smiling up at him.

Levi rolls his eyes in indifference, but he feels his face flush slightly under the praise. "Fuck off," he mutters, glancing to the side, averting his eyes from Erwin's gaze.

"I'm serious," Erwin insists, "I don't know how I missed that before." And then suddenly, there's a hand on Levi's knee. Suddenly, the contact is setting his skin on fire, igniting his bones and bringing every tiny, repressed thought to the forefront of his mind. Levi's head snaps up, his eyes meeting Erwin's and for a moment, time seems to stand still.

Levi's used to the praise from time to time, usually brushing it off and telling Erwin to fuck off like he just did, and usually, Erwin lets it lie, understanding that compliments usually don't sit well with Levi. To Levi, words like that usually mean nothing - actions speak far louder - and that's why the hand on his knee sets him off balance, off rotation. Because suddenly, Erwin is standing straight, looking down at him with genuine, sincere eyes, and his hand hasn't left his knee - in fact, it feels heavy on him. As if it was always meant to be there.

Suddenly, Erwin is close to him, closer than he's ever been, and while part of Levi feels that he'll burn up in his presence - nobody's ever gotten close to Erwin, after all, he usually shuts himself off - he also can't help but gaze up at him. He can't help the way his eyes dart down to his lips again, can't help the sudden urge to kiss him that he'd felt almost a year ago.

Then, before Levi can think on it too much, Erwin's free hand is on his face, thumb brushing gently against his cheek. Within moments, Erwin is stepping forward, dipping down, lips parted, and then -

And then, the door to Erwin's office suddenly opens with a loud creak and both men are jerking back, Levi jumping down from Erwin's desk, Erwin abandoning the contact on Levi's knee like he's on fire. Both of them are suddenly turning their attention to the doorway, where Mike stands, looking down at a few pieces of paper in his hands, blissfully unaware of what he had just interrupted behind the closed door.

And that's the end of it. Erwin clears his throat, straightens out his bolo tie, and becomes a cold, hard Commander again. The mood in the room shifts so fast that it makes Levi's head spin, and suddenly Erwin is talking business with Mike as if the moment before had never happened.

That's how things are for two more days, until they're just about to leave for a short expedition beyond the walls with some new recruits. Levi doesn't bring that moment up to Erwin and Erwin doesn't go out of his way to speak to Levi, and for the time being, they let things lie. And as frustrated as Levi is (because what would have happened if Mike hadn't walked in? What would Erwin have done?) he lets it lie. He doesn't bring it up because they have more important things to worry about. Even when he thinks that he can still feel Erwin's thumb on his cheek, his hand on his knee, he doesn't say anything, at least not for another two days.

The evening before they depart, Levi finds himself alone in the stables, cleaning and readying his gear for the next morning. Really, it doesn't need any cleaning - Levi is pretty methodical about doing that thoroughly whenever they return home from a mission - but it helps him settle his nerves and, most importantly, it helps him keep his mind busy. Because for two days, he's been replaying that moment in Erwin's office over and over in his head, trying to figure out if maybe he read it wrong - maybe there really was nothing there - or if Erwin really _had_ felt the same way he did, if Erwin had been about to kiss him in his office that afternoon. Scrubbing his horse's saddle, cleaning his gear and making sure everything is in shape for the next morning, though, helps Levi take his mind off of things.

That is, until he hears the stable doors open and then close again. Levi suddenly stops his movements at the sound, clutching a lantern in hand, on guard, because even though it's been years since he lived in the underground, he's always cautious, just in case. He takes a step out of the tack room after a long, silent moment, and when his eyes focus on the dimly lit corridor, Levi makes out Erwin's figure, standing on the other end of the stables, reaching over a stall door to pet a horse's nose. And just like that, Levi's head is no longer clear. Just like that, all he can think about was the last time he was really alone with Erwin, in his office two days ago.

Levi clears his throat when Erwin doesn't seem to notice him standing in the hallway, and when Erwin _does_ eventually look up at the noise, he shoots Levi a warm smile. "Good evening, Levi. I figured you’d be in here," he calls, and Levi takes that at his cue to abandon his work for now, sucking it up and taking the first few steps toward Erwin.

"Getting ready for tomorrow," Levi says in return once he's close enough to Erwin to speak in a normal tone. He stops a few feet away from his Commander - a safe distance - and watches him, crosses his arms, waiting for him to say something.

And thankfully, Erwin has never been one to beat around the bush. He gets straight to the point, and that's something that Levi has always liked about Erwin - no bullshit. "We need to discuss what happened the other day," he starts, watching Levi's face for any kind of reaction.

Levi however, manages to keep his expression schooled, because really, he's not certain what he wants. On one hand, he wants Erwin to pick up where they left off. He wants his Commander to reach forward, pull him close and kiss the breath out of him. He wants to feel his touch, his lips, his hands, wants to know what it's like to be held by Erwin - by someone he trusts completely. But on the other hand, he almost wants Erwin to tell him to forget about it, that nothing should have happened and it should stay that way. After all, their lives are already complicated as it is - people like them shouldn't worry about things as trivial as love or lust. They shouldn't be allowed to.

When Erwin doesn't say anything, however, even after Levi nods, motioning for him to go on, Levi sucks it up, breaking the awkward silence between them, muttering, "Nothing happened. What's there to talk about?"

"You know what I mean," Erwin insists, tone hard, "And it was irresponsible and unprofessional on my part."

And it's in that moment, at those words, that Levi decides what he wants. While Erwin's right; it probably is unprofessional and irresponsible and stupid, Levi wants it - he wants him - and for all he knows, he could die tomorrow, so really, _why the fuck not?_

"When have we ever been professional, Erwin?" he asks, and his question earns a brief smile from the man standing in front of him before he schools his face again. But Levi sees it, he always does.

"Levi-"

"What would have happened if Mike hadn't walked in the other day?" Levi asks, and when Erwin opens his mouth to argue, he cuts him off, speaking again, " _Show me._ "

And apparently _that_ does the trick, because after just a brief moment of thought - of weighing the pros and cons - Erwin is stepping forward in long strides, quickly closing the gap between the two of them before reaching out, hand snaking around Levi's waist, and dipping down to kiss him. Levi allows himself to melt against the contact, into Erwin's touch, pressing up into his mouth, _trusting_ Erwin to see him like this - opened up and vulnerable. After all, he's always trusted Erwin completely, and the feeling of being able to press into his kiss, of being held by his arms, is everything he thought it would be and more. Levi feels powerless in Erwin's embrace - Erwin, his sun, his light, his Commander - but at the same time he also feels powerful knowing that he's the only one who has seen Erwin like this. He's the only one that Erwin has opened up to so fully. Nobody has seen this side of Erwin except for Levi, and that's really the part that makes his heart race, makes him arch up on his toes, kissing Erwin back.

When they eventually part, Levi revels in the flush on Erwin's face, in the part of his lips, his sharp intake of breath when their eyes finally meet. It's only a kiss, but somehow it manages to break down not only Levi's walls, but apparently Erwin's as well, and the way he looks down at Levi is evidence of that. He's so used to seeing Erwin on a pedestal, so used to him being this desirable, unobtainable being, that it nearly takes Levi's breath away to see him like this, skin flushed, hair slightly mussed, eyes darting across Levi's face as if he's unsure of what just happened.

"We could die out there, you know," Levi says at last, breaking the silence between them. It's not romantic and it's not quite what he meant to say, but it's the first thought that comes to mind - the loss would be even greater now, if one of them perished out beyond the walls. Before, they were Commander and Captain, a business partnership, comrades. Now, though? Now, Erwin's eyes feel heavy on Levi as he speaks. The dynamic has shifted, and there's no going back.

Erwin smiles, and when he does, it sends a jolt to Levi's chest. "That has always been a possibility," he says, voice soft, quiet and different from the commanding tone it usually takes on. Levi manages to chip away another layer from Erwin's tough exterior and he'd be lying if he said he didn't love what he sees.

Levi takes a step forward at that, closing the gap between the two of them on his own this time. He reaches out, his fingers brushing against Erwin's knuckles, eyes low as he looks up at him. He opens his mouth to speak, but can't manage any words, and thankfully, Erwin doesn't seem to need them, because after a moment, Levi is arching up and Erwin is dipping down and their lips are meeting once more.

* * *

 

Levi and Erwin don't kiss again - they don't even get the chance to _talk_ about the kiss - until after Levi loses his squad. Eren comes into their lives after they first kiss and shit gets hectic, as it usually does in the Survey Corps, and they don’t really get the time to talk about things. While Levi still finds himself at Erwin's side more often than not, it’s as his Captain, not as a lover (or whatever the _hell_ they are) and they don't talk about things. They don't have the time - they never have the time. That is, until after Levi's squad dies - until they return back to headquarters, bruised and broken after the deadly and bloody mission beyond the walls.

Levi retreats to his own quarters after they return home, because while he knows that Erwin will have to debrief him - and they'll have to come up with a game plan for the next few weeks to come - right now, Levi wants to be alone. Right now, when he closes his eyes, all he can see are the lifeless faces of his squad, of people he had grown to know and love and trust. They trusted him as well, and that was what had gotten them killed, and the guilt weighs heavy in his chest. So yeah, Levi wants to be alone for the time being. He knows he won't get many chances for privacy in the coming weeks - it's like the calm before the storm - and he cherishes it, tries to take the time to clear his mind. And he's doing a great job of that, until later that evening, when there's a quiet knock on his door.

He glances up from where he sits on the edge of his bed at the sound, just prepping to wrap his injured ankle. Hanji and Erwin had insisted that he get it looked at, but he had refused. After all, he'd suffered much worse injuries in the underground - he'd be fine. But it's at the knock at his door that Levi pauses, glancing up, unsure of what to do or say, because while he's certain that it's either Erwin, Hanji or Mike (or all three) he doesn't know if he's ready to see or talk to anyone yet.

"Levi," Erwin calls, voice muffled by the wooden door, "May I come in?"

And though it's difficult to hear him clearly, Levi can hear the sincerity - the _worry_ \- in his tone, and it's like flipping a switch. In a way, he thinks he'll always say yes to Erwin. "Yeah," he mutters, and it's quiet, but he knows that Erwin hears him. The handle twists and the door opens and Erwin quickly ducks into the dim room, shutting and locking the door behind himself. Thankfully, it's _just_ Erwin, and his presence makes Levi feel a little better. _A little._

Erwin doesn't say anything at first - just watches Levi from across the room - glancing down at the medical tape in Levi’s hands, then back up at his face. "How does your leg feel?" he finally asks, taking a few steps to shorten the distance between them.

Levi swallows. "Fine," he mutters, "Could be better, but I'll live."

"Do you need help?" Erwin offers, looking down at Levi’s leg.

"It's alright," Levi assures, following Erwin’s gaze down at his leg before looking back up at him, "What's going on? Do you need me?"

Erwin offers Levi a half smile, shakes his head. "No, I - " he cuts himself off, taking another step forward, his eyes still fixed on Levi’s ankle, "Let me help you." And before Levi can argue any more, Erwin is closing the gap between them and kneeling in front of him, reaching out to gingerly take his leg and prop it up on his own knee. While Levi feels an argument building on his tongue - _"I said I'm fine Erwin, you don't have to do this"_ \- when Erwin reaches out for the supplies in his hand, Levi gives them to him, watching as he rolls the leg of his pants up over his calf.

Erwin eyes his ankle for a moment, fingers running gently up his swollen skin, as if feeling for a broken bone, but they stop once they reach the place where Levi's pants bunch up against his leg. Erwin furrows his brows in frustration, then glances up at Levi. "Would you mind-" he starts, and Levi already knows what he's going to say before he says it. Without a second thought - because Erwin is his _Commander_ after all - Levi finds himself unbuttoning his pants, sliding them easily off of his hips and down his legs, handing them over to Erwin who helps him finish pulling them off gently, even folding them neatly before setting them next to himself on the ground. It's not the first time Levi's been in his underwear in front of Erwin - and it's definitely not sexual - though Erwin is one of the few people that Levi trusts to see him like this, broken and vulnerable. Open.

Levi lets Erwin draw his leg close again and leans back on the bed on his elbows, closing his eyes in slight pain as fingers press against his tender skin. "It was a close call..." Erwin says softly, reaching for the wrap at Levi's side, "You could have easily broken it."

Levi is quiet for a moment, sucking in a sharp breath of air as Erwin adjusts his leg slightly before getting to work. "Nothing I couldn't handle," he finally mumbles, leaning back on the bed, eyes closed.

Erwin huffs out a soft breath. "You always seem to manage quite well..." he comments, and then at that, a silence falls over the room. Levi allows his thoughts to drift as Erwin works on his leg, internally grateful that Erwin isn't like Hanji. He rarely pries, and when he does, he only does it because he knows that Levi needs it. Silences are almost always comfortable between them, as they're good at reading one another, and this moment is no different than the others. Even with the awful thoughts looming in the back of Levi's head, even with the images of his squad on the forest floor fresh behind closed eyelids, Levi feels comfortable with Erwin.

They've come a long way from their first meeting. Slowly, Levi finds his thoughts drifting to that fateful day, rather than the events that just passed. He remembers how furious he had been, how ready to take Erwin's life he was, how _naive_ he was when he first joined the Corps. He remembers the way his blades had pressed against Erwin's neck - how easily they could have sliced into his flesh had he made the wrong choice that day. But he didn’t, of that much he is certain, and things have changed drastically since then. Never in a million years would Levi had thought that he'd feel this comfortable, this at ease - even after everything that's happened - in front of Erwin Smith.

"I'm sorry," Erwin's sudden words snap Levi out of his thoughts and into the present moment like a tether and his eyes open in order to look down at the man in front of him. It isn't until then that Levi realizes that Erwin is done wrapping his leg - that he has been for a while, now. Distantly, he wonders how long they've been like this, but then Erwin's speaking again and he doesn't have much time to think about anything. "About your squad..." he says, "They-"

" _Don't_ ," Levi snaps, voice like venom. He doesn't want Erwin's pity, and that's exactly what he sees in the other man's eyes. He's never gotten it before and he doesn't want it now.

"Levi-"

"No," he bites, shaking his head back and forth, "Don't you dare."

"I know you cared about them," Erwin continues, ignoring Levi's protests.

Levi scoffs. "Funny. Everyone I care about seems to die." It's awful and self-loathing to talk the way he is, and Levi usually doesn't act like this, but Erwin's words bring it out in him. He doesn't _want_ to talk about it, but Erwin will get it out of him one way or another - he always does - and sometimes, Levi fucking _hates_ it.

"Don't say that," Erwin argues gently. He reaches forward, his hands resting comfortably and easily on Levi's leg, just above his injury.

Levi shakes his head. "If it weren't for my orders, they would still be alive."

"You can't blame yourself," Erwin insists, and the utter sincerity in his voice almost kills Levi. It's as if he actually believes the words he's saying, which Levi finds laughable. "They knew what they were getting into when they joined the Survey Corps," he continues, "When they became part of your squad."

Levi hears Erwin's words - _he really does -_ but louder than them is the voice in the back of his head telling him that it's all his fault. It's _his_ fault that the mission went to shit and it's _his_ fault that his friends and comrades died. It always is. He takes a deep breath, then another, the oxygen just barely enough to keep his hands from shaking. "It's hard," he finally mutters, and he wants to laugh at how pathetic and shaky his voice sounds, "It's hard not to blame myself when it always happens this way. No matter what choices I make, no matter what I do, I can't save them. They always die. The people I care about _always_ die."

The look Erwin gives him almost makes Levi want to disappear. In all of his years of knowing the man, he's never looked at him like the way he does now, like he's a sad, fragile little thing. "Levi-"

"Maybe _you_ should stay away from me," Levi mutters, voice weak, turning away from Erwin’s gaze. And at those words, he feels pathetic. He feels small, breakable, and it's the worst fucking feeling in the world. He hasn't felt this way in years - since he lost Farlan and Isabel, since he was just a scrawny kid in the underground, easily pushed around and kicked aside. It's not that Levi hasn't felt this way before, but usually, it's easy to overcome. Usually, it's easy to keep his mask up, to hide his weak points. But now, sitting on his bed, Erwin looking at him like he's the most important thing in the world, he can't keep it in.

For just a moment, Levi lets the mask drop - lets Erwin _see_ him - and it makes him feel so, _so_ small in his presence. Because Erwin is the sun and he's just a tiny, insignificant little planet, orbiting around him. Erwin has been through things like this and much, _much_ worse, yet he's managed to hold it together all of these years - he's managed to remain a fearless leader, a beacon of hope.

"No," Erwin says at last, shaking his head, "No, I won't."

And before he knows it, Erwin is moving, leaning up and reaching forward until his fingers graze Levi's cheek, until they find their place in his messy hair. Erwin watches Levi carefully, for any hint of hesitation, and when he sees none, he leans in, pressing their lips together as if they've done it a million times, as if he knows that it will help.

Levi can't help the way that he reacts. It's reflex, the way that he kisses Erwin back, the way that he falls into his touch, opening his mouth into the kiss. He can't help the way that he melts easily against Erwin. Just his touch is enough to set him on fire, and the tongue in his mouth and the hands on his skin are enough to break him down. He sighs out easily into to kiss, reaching forward to clutch onto Erwin's wrist with one hand, the other still holding him up on the bed, and within moments, relinquishes control to him. He lets Erwin kiss him the way he wants, touch him the way he wants, and Levi is powerless against it - not that he'd want to fight it anyway.

It isn't until Erwin pulls away from Levi, breath hot on his lips, that Levi's eyes finally open, low-lidded and heavy, gazing up at him. And it's with a small, reassuring smile that Erwin slides back down his body, back onto his knees in front of the bed on the floor, fingers spread wide across Levi's bare thighs. It's that sight alone that _really_ hits Levi, too - Erwin watching him with heavy eyes from between his legs, lips swollen and wet from their kiss.

Erwin slides his hands up Levi's thighs, up until they reach the waistband of his underwear, fingers just barely tugging on the top of them. The sight alone is enough to send a wave of adrenaline through Levi's body, and by the time Erwin even opens his mouth to speak - to ask for permission - Levi is nodding, his head lulling back between his shoulders.

"Please, Erwin-"

And that's all it takes. With those words, Levi is lifting his hips and Erwin is pulling Levi's underwear down and off of him, setting them aside with his pants. Within moments, his hand is wrapping around Levi's hardening dick, and Levi is sighing out, letting his eyes slip closed. And for the first time since returning home from their mission, he isn't plagued by haunting images from beyond the walls. Instead, all he sees is Erwin. Just Erwin.

It doesn't take long for Erwin to pump him slowly into full hardness, and by the time a tongue swipes across the head of Levi's cock, his fingers are already threading through Erwin's hair, his own head falling back against his mattress. "Oh _fuck..."_

Really, Erwin sucks cock exactly how Levi expected him to. He's gentle, methodical, and patient, licking broad stripes up Levi's length, paying special attention to the sensitive underside of his head before taking him into his mouth, bobbing lazily, easily. In fact, it actually takes Levi a minute to realize what a view he's missing out on with his back flat on the bed, head thrown back and eyes closed. While he'd love to lie there and buck his hips up into Erwin's mouth until he comes, it would be a sin not to watch the way those beautiful lips work over his cock.

So eventually, Levi finds himself sitting up, fingers tightening in Erwin's hair because with the image in front of him, the power dynamic between the two of them shifts drastically and it sends a wave of pleasure to his groin. What really gets Levi is seeing Erwin on his knees in front of him, mouth wrapped around his cock, eyes shut softly, hair messy where his grip on it tightens considerably. " _Shit_ ," Levi mutters at the sight, his words quickly dissolving into a breathy moan, "Oh Fuck, _Erwin..._ "

And as if on command, Erwin's eyes open, gazing up at Levi for a moment before he closes them again, sucking him down until his nose brushes against Levi's hair, fingers kneading into his ass as he pulls him closer. Levi takes the silent cue at that, pressing up into Erwin's mouth a little deeper, a little harder, and he can't help the way that he moans out at the feeling of Erwin's throat working around his cock, of his fingers pressing into his skin. He thrusts up, up, his movements becoming jerky and shallow at that, and it isn't much longer before his grip on Erwin's hair tightens even more, pulling him up slightly as he gasps out a warning, "Erwin I-" and comes, hot and heavy down his throat.

Erwin pulls back and off of Levi, the final spurts of his come landing on his lips and chin, and just that sight alone, as Levi comes down, is almost enough to make him hard again. Without thinking, he's grabbing the back of Erwin's neck and leaning down, kissing his come off of Erwin's lips and licking his taste out of his mouth. When he eventually pulls back, they're both panting, breathless, eyes low and heavy, a thin sheet of sweat covering both of their bodies.

"Thank you," Levi breathes out, before Erwin has a chance to say anything else.

And instead of replying, Erwin is grabbing him again, kissing him fiercely and throwing him back onto the mattress.

* * *

 

Erwin loses his arm, and Levi isn't there when it happens. 

In the time that it takes him to make it to the hospital that Erwin is at, Levi has plenty of time to think, plenty of time to feel guilty about not being there when Erwin needed him the most. He wonders if it would have changed things, had he been there. Maybe he would have been able to warn him. Hell, maybe it would have been _Levi_ that the titan got, instead of Erwin...

And in the time that it takes for Levi to get there, he comes up with a million different things to say to Erwin - _what the fuck were you thinking, why weren't you more careful, how dare you -_ but they all go out the window when he steps into the room and lays eyes on Erwin. Erwin, who almost looks _small_ in the hospital bed, a five-o-clock shadow dusting his chin and jaw, the bags around his eyes deep and dark. Everything that Levi had planned on saying goes right out the window, and instead, he finds himself stepping forward, toward the hospital bed.

Levi makes sure to sit on Erwin's left side, wary of his right shoulder and the sensitive space where his arm used to be, and finds himself reaching out for his hand almost immediately after taking a seat. He takes Erwin's hand - his _only_ hand - and squeezes, as if to make sure that he's real, before finally speaking.

"I thought you were dead," he mutters, voice empty, quiet. His chest aches seeing Erwin like this, but at least he's alive.

"I know," Erwin replies, and his voice sounds weak, tired, so horribly unlike himself, "I'm sorry."

"You should be," Levi retorts before he has a chance to think about what he's saying, " _Fuck._ You can't die."

Erwin laughs at his words, though his smile fades after a few moments and he winces as if the action hurts him. Hell, it probably does. "You know I will eventually," he says after a moment of deep breaths, trying to rein in his pain.

Levi scoffs at the truth in Erwin's words. Really, they've both lived long lives for members of the Survey Corps. They’ve been lucky, somehow. They still are. "This job is a death wish..." Levi mutters.

Erwin nods at his words, a sudden silence falling over the two of them. Erwin closes his eyes, letting his head lull back against the pillows, face at ease, relaxed. He turns his hand in Levi's grip, lacing their fingers easily together and the movement makes Levi's face feel warm. It's a small gesture, but that doesn't matter. It's been a long while since they've had a quiet, peaceful moment together like this, but Levi just wishes that it wasn't under these circumstances. Again, it's not awkward - never awkward - between them, but it doesn't take long for Levi to break the silence, shaking his head slightly to himself, voice bitter, "I'm so fucking stupid."

Erwin's eyes open at his words, his fingers twitching in Levi's grip. He winces, his right shoulder obviously hurting him, and breathes down the pain before humoring Levi, asking, "Why?"

" _This_ ," Levi answers, using his free hand to motion at where their fingers interlace like school kids. "I just had to go and, and -" he tries, but he can't get the words out. He can't say what's on his mind, what he really feels, though that's not a first for him. He just can’t say it -

_I just had to go and fall for the one person that I can't live without. The person who would be the easiest to rip away from me._

But Erwin seems to get it. He's quiet for a moment, staring thoughtfully ahead, eyes fixed on a point in the wall opposite of his bed before he squeezes gently at Levi's hand. "We're lucky to have this..." he murmurs at last, "In this life."

Levi scoffs, even if Erwin's words make his chest tighten. "You'd be naive to think that it'll last though..."

To Levi's surprise, Erwin nods, agreeing with his words. "Perhaps we'll meet again," he muses quietly, "When we're better for each other."

And Levi doesn't ask him what he means. Will they meet in another life? Later down the road, if they both manage to live through this? No, he doesn't ask. Instead he's just quiet. Instead, he just stays at Erwin's side, fingers laced together, hearts still beating, for the time being.

* * *

 

Unfortunately, Levi has to leave before Erwin is out the hospital. Technically, he's still bed-ridden, though Levi has seen him walk around the room once or twice. Like him, Erwin has never been one to abide by the rules. But still, Levi has to leave before Erwin is cleared to leave the hospital, and part of him really wishes he didn't have to, but he can't afford to stay behind. With Erwin in the shape that he's in and with Mike gone, Hanji needs all the help she can get, and Levi needs to be there with her. 

The morning that Levi is set to leave, he comes to Erwin's room to say goodbye to him. When he pushes the door open without knocking, he finds Erwin standing, rummaging through a bag of his belongings. Levi clears his throat from the other end of the room, earning a glance from Erwin before he speaks. "They'll kill you if they find you like this," he says, "You're supposed to be in bed."

"What they don't know won't hurt them," Erwin mutters in return without even looking up. The way that he fumbles with the bag with his one hand hurts to watch, so after another moment of silence, Levi takes a step forward, his own hands outstretched, as if to help.

"What are you doing?"

Erwin is quiet for a moment, either in concentration or because he's trying to choose the right words to say, Levi can't tell. "I want to give you something," he answers at last.

Levi cracks a small smile, taking another couple of steps forward until he's within arm's reach of Erwin. He wants to stop him, tell him that he doesn't have to _give_ him anything unless it's something he absolutely needs - he's not that sentimental and Erwin knows it - but before Levi even opens his mouth to protest, Erwin seems to find what he was looking for in the pocket of his bloodied uniform. Levi doesn't get the chance to think about how one of the sleeves is missing, torn away from the fabric just as easily as Erwin's arm was torn from his body, because suddenly, Erwin is holding his bolo tie up into the light. He examines it for a split second before pressing it into Levi's hands before he can refuse the gift. But still, it doesn't come without a protest.

"Don't fucking give me this," Levi bites, even as his face flushes at the gesture, "I'm not some teenage girl."

Erwin just smiles wordlessly in return, turning to close up his bag and put his things away, but Levi won't back down that easily. "This is fucking ridiculous," he mutters, “Take it back." He tries to shove the bolo tie back into Erwin's left hand, but Erwin refuses.

"It's fine, I have others," he assures, pushing it back toward Levi's chest.

" _Wow, thanks_ ," Levi mutters, shaking his head, "Makes this even more special. Seriously, Erwin, I don't want it. Take it back."

Again, Erwin just smiles in return. He takes a step forward, close into Levi's space, and reaches out, his own hand covering Levi's easily, cupping it into a fist around the tie. "I want you to have it," he says, watching Levi. When the smaller man doesn't say anything in return, just huffs in annoyance, he speaks again, "I'm sorry - I know it's sappy- "

"You think?" Levi bites, looking up at him from where he stands. He wants to pull away, to toss the stupid tie on the ground and leave, but he doesn't.

" _But,_ " Erwin continues, suddenly very serious, "I have a feeling that this is going to get worse before it gets better." His words hit Levi hard because he'd been thinking the same thing. They're on the verge of a war, he can taste it, and with Erwin bed ridden for the time being and half of the Survey Corps either deceased or injured, things aren't really looking good for their side. Levi's a realist - that much he can see.

"We're not going to see one another for a long while," Erwin continues when Levi doesn't say anything in response, "I want you to have it, Levi. Please."

And though Levi wants to argue, he swallows it down. Because while he's not sentimental and while he's not one to worry about little things like when he'll get to see Erwin next or little tokens of love or gratitude, Erwin is right, he always is. So instead of arguing or instead of trying to shove the bolo tie back into Erwin's hand again, he nods, voice thick when he speaks. "Fine, okay," he mutters, shoving it into his pocket.

Then, before he knows what's happening, Erwin is cupping his chin and he only has a second to gasp before their lips are meeting. And Levi will be damned if he doesn't kiss back with everything he has, if he doesn't wrap his arms around Erwin's waist, his heart hammering in his chest.

* * *

 

Levi isn’t there when Erwin dies. 

They don't see one another for months before his death, and Levi doesn't even get to see him one last time before he dies. Shit gets hectic, as it always seems to, and Levi finds himself communicating with Erwin via letter more so than in person more and more often. Mostly, the letters are just instructions - commands for the squad while he's away from them. Every now and then, there will be a sentence or two in there specifically for Levi's eyes, but other than that, it's all business, and Levi doesn't mind that. They've always been good at separating business and pleasure.

Then, Erwin's captured, and the letters all but stop. Levi nearly panics when he hears the news, but thankfully, Hanji is there to calm him - to assure him that everything will be alright, Erwin knows what he is doing - and when they receive another letter, it helps. But eventually, the letters do slow to a stop. It's to be expected, with Erwin in Military Police custody, but it's hard, nonetheless. It's hard when he's struggling to keep the Survey Corps together - Eren and Historia are still nowhere to be found and morale is low - but Levi tries to keep his head up, and he manages. He manages, until the day that everything comes crumbling down.

Erwin is hanged, and Levi and the entirety of the Survey Corps don't even receive news of it until two days after the fact. Erwin dies, and they don't get there in time - they don't even _know_ about it, and that's definitely one of the hardest parts.

Ultimately, it's Armin who discovers the news first. He goes on a food and supply run into the nearest town with Sasha in tow, and when he returns, it's with nothing in his hands but a single newspaper, his face white as snow, Sasha trailing in behind him looking just as bad, if not worse. Armin freezes in the doorway, and at first, nobody notices. They're all working on something - repairing gear, tending to fresh wounds, going over the next game plan - but one by one, everyone seems to sense the shift in the air. One by one, everyone stops what they're doing, noticing that Armin still hasn't moved from his place in the doorway.

Levi's the last to notice, only jerking his head up from Erwin's last letter of instructions when Hanji's voice breaks the silence in the small cabin.

"What?" Hanji asks, watching Armin where he's frozen still in the doorway, "Armin, what is it?"

"I-" he starts, voice small, but the words don't come out. Instead just holds out the rolled up paper with a shaky hand.

Hanji takes a quick step forward before Levi can even move and snatches the newspaper from his hands. She unrolls it, and it only takes mere seconds before her own face drops and her body goes rigid as she scans the first headline. Levi, annoyed with the lack of communication going on, follows after Hanji, pulling the paper from her hands, even as she tries to stop him, suddenly scrambling into action "Levi, wait- "

But it's too late. The bold headline is the first thing that Levi sees.

_Erwin Smith, 13th Commander of the Survey Corps, Hanged for Treason._

Levi's heart practically stops. The paper falls to the ground and suddenly, his vision is blurry. His knees feel weak and his hands shake, his entire body practically breaking down on the spot. He can't focus, can't move, can barely hear it when Jean asks Hanji, "What? What is it?"

"It's Erwin," she mutters, and the ringing in Levi's ears only gets louder, more unbearable, "He's dead."


	2. There's No Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Uncover your eyes_  
>  _Uncover your eyes_  
>  _There's no sun, where is your direction?_  
>  _Uncover your eyes_  
>  _Uncover your eyes_  
>  _Ask yourself, where is your reflection?_  
>  \- [You There](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlefHgF0kPA) \- Aquilo
> 
> Unbeta'd again, sorry for any typos.
> 
> Warnings for breif mentions of (other) character death. Because I'm terrible and had to actually kill a couple of people in this. I'm really really sorry please don't hate me.

Levi fucking loses it.

After he reads the paper, after he sees the headline and after Hanji confirms his fears - _Erwin is dead, he's really dead_ \- he fucking loses it. Almost immediately after he comes to, so to speak, Levi takes off, storming out of the cabin despite the way the Hanji grabs his arm, trying to stop him, despite the way that she protests, begging him to stop, to come back, to calm down. Instead, Levi storms out of the cabin and toward the nearest horse - Armin's mare - and leaps onto her, kicking her into a full gallop before anyone can even begin to follow him.

Levi loses it and it's all a blur - an awful, bloody blur. The ride to the nearest town takes no time at all with the way that his head buzzes, his ears ringing.

The first Military Police Officer he sees upon getting into town, he shoots on site, no questions asked. The young man - not older than eighteen - comes into view just on the outskirts of town. Levi spies him almost immediately and pulls his horse to a stop, dismounting and pulling the gun out from the saddlebag to his left - they'd taken to keeping one handy after the confrontation with Kenny - taking aim without even thinking.

_Erwin is dead. They killed him._

"Hey!" Levi shouts, and by the time the young man turns, there's a bullet in his head.

And then suddenly, something hits Levi hard, knocking the wind out of his lungs and throwing him forcibly to the ground. The gun falls from his hands and he reaches for it, but his attacker is too quick, pinning him to the ground with ease. He struggles underneath them, eyes shut tight in pain, and only stops when he hears their voice. The realization of what he's just done hits him like a truck.

"Levi, stop!" Hanji yells, her hands hard on his wrists, her strong thighs holding him down as the rest of the squad appears from the trees. Apparently he hadn't moved fast enough - it took almost no time at all for them to catch up with him on their maneuver gear.

He isn't certain as to how he gets back to headquarters (or their makeshift headquarters in the woods, at least) but that isn't surprising. Everything is a blur after Hanji tackles him to the ground, after she has Mikasa and Jean help restrain him. It isn't until Hanji shoves him through the front door of the cabin that Levi seems to snap back into reality.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing, Levi?" she yells, and if Levi weren't so furious - if he weren't so blinded by his own pain and rage and heartbreak - he'd notice that it's the angriest he's ever seen her. "You're better than this!" she yells again, shoving him in the chest once more, causing him to go stumbling backwards.

"They killed him!" Levi screams back in return, voice cracking. It isn't until then, until that exact moment, that he really breaks. He feels his fists clench, feels the tears well in his eyes, his ears ringing, head throbbing. His vision goes fuzzy all over again. He feels like he’s going to vomit.

"You don't think I know that? You don't think I _feel_ that?" Hanji spits in return, her voice like venom. By now, the rest of the squad has gathered around the doorway or just outside of the cabin, watching the confrontation, ready to step in if Hanji needs help. Before Levi can get a word in edgewise, Hanji is continuing.

"I know that what you and Erwin had was different from the rest of us," she says, her voice a little more calm, a little less hysterical, but no less angry, "But don't you _dare_ think that we don't fucking feel it, too." She gestures to the squad - to the _kids,_ oh god they’re just _kids_ \- standing behind her at her words. Levi watches them - their faces - with clouded eyes. He can see the pain, the disappointment and fear and anger in their faces, too, and it only makes things worse. It only makes his chest ache more, makes his stomach feel more upset.

 "You're not allowed to be selfish, Levi. Not now," she bites, speaking even as he opens his mouth to argue with her, "Not unless you want to watch more people you care about die."

And those words hit Levi hard. Suddenly, he's reminded of a moment between himself and Erwin not too long ago - the night that Erwin had bandaged his ankle, kissed him, made love to him, made things better. The night that Erwin made him believe that he wasn't going to die - that not everyone he cared about had to die.

"It's not fucking fair," Levi bites at last, his voice rough, small, broken. He feels like collapsing, like falling to his knees right here, right now, in front of Hanji and everyone. What’s the point in standing, in staying strong anyway? Without Erwin, they're destined to fail.

"It's never been fair - _this life isn't fair_!" Hanji argues. She takes a step forward, voice softening with her next words, "And I know you're grieving and I know you're angry, so how about you put that anger to good use? How about we win this war... For Erwin, for Mike - for everyone we've lost."

Levi shakes his head back and forth. His chest is heavy. "I can’t-" he mutters. He’s been through so much in the past months, in the last few years, and this feels like the final straw. He doesn’t want to keep moving forward, not like this, not without Erwin. It’s not right.

It should have been him.

"Yes you can!" Hanji yells, snapping Levi out of his own morbid thoughts. Her voice is harsh from screaming, but she doesn't stop, she doesn't let up. She takes another step forward, reaching out for Levi's shoulders. "Don't you give me that shit. You're humanity's strongest, and we need you. We _all_ need you."

Levi looks up at that, his eyes meeting Hanji's. And while she's been yelling, her face doesn't look angry anymore, her eyes don't look disappointed. She looks just as scared and unsure and heartbroken as he feels. She looks just as weak as the rest of them, but she holds it in, she keeps her head up, she stays strong. Levi looks past her toward the faces of his squad - at all of their terrified, sad, grieving faces - and sucks in a deep breath, reining in his heartache and his pain and his fear.

"You're a fighter, Levi," Hanji says at last, voice soft, so quiet that only he can hear it. She leans in, pressing her forehead to his, holding him in a tight embrace. It isn’t until then that Levi sees the tremble in her lower lip, the way that she’s fighting back tears as well. "So fight. It's what Erwin would want."

* * *

 

In the end, Levi fights. He takes Hanji's words to heart, and he fights for Erwin, for his squad, his friends, the people that he's lost, and for himself. He keeps fighting, keeps moving forward and most importantly, he _lives._ In the end, Levi outlives almost everyone. The hardest losses that they encounter after Erwin's death come when they find Sasha and Connie's mangled bodies on the forest floor, and when Jean is shot down in one of their final battles, defending his squad and his friends until his last breath. 

And still, Levi keeps fighting. He fights for Sasha and Connie, for Jean and Mike, Farlan and Isabel, his squad and his friends and everyone he's ever lost, the memory of their faces still very vivid in his mind. He fights for all of them, but most importantly, he fights for Erwin. Erwin, who didn't even receive a grave, whose body Levi never got to see. He never got the closure, though he's not sure if he wanted it. He's not sure if he could handle seeing it, if he could handle visiting a gravestone after everything is over. While he doesn't have somewhere to take his grieving heart, he's not sure if he could handle seeing Erwin's name etched into granite anyway.

In the end, Levi lives.

They win the war, Historia takes the throne, and Levi lives. It's a bittersweet victory, but it's a victory nonetheless. It's the victory that they'd been fighting for all along; to be able to live free, outside of the walls. To free humanity. Somehow, they emerge victorious, and it doesn't feel right. The reoccurring nightmares that Levi has nearly every night and the fact that their squad is half the size that it used to be - that _children_ died defending him - make him wonder if the victory was worth it.

Days after they win the war, there's a party in their honor. Levi and Hanji, as well as all of the remaining members of the Survey Corps are awarded medals (as well as a fine sum of money for their troubles) and apparently, that's it. Apparently, that's supposed to fix everything - years of being outcast and attacked and shunned by everyone for fighting for the right cause, the deaths of countless soldiers and friends and a lifetime of horrid nightmares. Apparently, a party, some money and a fancy title is supposed to mend all of that.

And for some people, it does. But not for Levi.

"Try to look a little happy," Hanji says to Levi as she approaches him where he stands alone on the night of the celebration. She holds out a glass of red wine to him, and reluctantly, he takes it, allowing her to join him on the balcony of the building that he leans on, overlooking the capitol.

Levi shakes his head. "This isn't right," he mutters, "We shouldn't even be here."

"But we are," Hanji replies, smiling softly as she gazes out over the balcony. The streets of the city glow in the darkness below them, loud with chatter and celebration. "We won, Levi."

He scoffs. "You say that as if that fixes everything."

"I'm not saying that it does," she replies swiftly, "And I'm not saying that I'm happy with the way that things played out. But _this_ is what we were fighting for. You know it. Erwin would be proud."

_Erwin_. Even now, months after the fact, the name is enough to make Levi's chest constrict. His grip tightens on the wine glass and Hanji notices.

"Levi-"

" _Don't_ ," he bites, "Please. If I have to put up with this, I don't want anyone’s pity. _Especially_ yours."

Hanji shuts her mouth at that, and for a moment, things are silent between the two of them. After Erwin's death, Hanji and Levi became a great team - a well oiled machine, if you will. While Levi always complained about Hanji's eagerness and abrasive mannerisms, they were still great friends and even better comrades. He'd be lying if he said that they didn't work well together, even before Erwin's death. After his death, though, Levi and Hanji quickly became an unstoppable force. She quickly learned his limits and he learned when to let her push him a bit and it turned out they worked well together. They always had, really.

Even now, Hanji allows Levi to be comfortable in their silence. While she still may be too much for him to handle at times, she has definitely learned when not to push, when not to talk, and when to let Levi be. After a few quiet minutes, however, she decides that his time is up.

"Can I ask you something?" Hanji asks, breaking the silence, "And if I cross the line, you don't have to answer. I won't ask you again."

Levi sighs, but ultimately agrees. "What is it?" he asks, never tearing his gaze off of the view below them. While he won’t admit it out loud, it's definitely a hypnotizing sight, seeing the city lit up like this.

The trance seems to break, however, when Hanji asks her question. "Your relationship with Erwin..." she says, voice tentative, "Was it romantic?"

Levi's head practically snaps around at Hanji's question, gaze ripping easily from the city below. Instead, he studies Hanji in the dim light, mouth parted, half-ready to tell her that her question was out of line, that she needs to leave. But for some reason, the words never come. Levi looks at Hanji, and he can't find it in himself to lie to her. Maybe it's because he's terrified of pushing away one of his _only_ remaining friends, or maybe it's because he's sick of holding it all in, but he doesn't deny it and he doesn't push her away.

"Yes," Levi answers, voice steady, sure, "It was."

Hanji swallows, nods. She averts her eyes at Levi's admission, as if she hadn't expected him to actually be honest with her. "Levi-" she starts, but he cuts her off.

" _Don't_ -" he bites again, "I don't want your pity. My relationship with Erwin doesn’t make my loss any greater than yours or anyone else's."

"But-"

"We all lost a Commander," Levi continues, "Erwin was like a father to half of those brats and a brother to you. It would be selfish of me to act like my loss was worse or more important than yours or theirs."

And at that, she's nodding again. Levi misses the way that a smile spreads across her face in the silence and the darkness, but he definitely hears it in her voice when she eventually speaks again. "I think I sort of always knew," Hanji says with just a hint of a teasing tone in her voice.

Levi glances up at her, eyes wide for a split second before they narrow into a glare. "Why do you say that?" he grumbles.

Hanji shrugs, smiling at Levi before turning her gaze out onto the night sky again, leaning against the balcony. "It was the way you looked at him, I think," she murmurs softly. Her voice sounds far away, "Don't get me wrong, we all followed his orders blindly, but _you..._ Levi, you would have followed him to hell and back. I could see it in your eyes."

Hanji turns to look at Levi again with her next words, "I still do."

Levi huffs. "Maybe you're just reading too much into the way I look."

Hanji laughs, shaking her head. "No, you just... You had this _look_ whenever you were with him, and _only_ him," she insists, "I can't explain it, but somehow, I always knew."

"Well congratulations," Levi mutters, "What do you want me to say?"

Hanji offers a small shrug. "That you miss him?" she tries, "I don't know. After he died, you just... You've never spoken about it. About him."

It’s true. Levi has always been good at compartmentalizing his emotions. While it was harder than normal with Erwin - for obvious reasons - he was able to push those feelings aside around others. He was able to remain cool and level-headed for the most part, alongside Hanji commanding their team to victory. Hanji doesn’t know about the times he cried himself to sleep at night. She doesn’t know how the grief and heartache ripped through Levi’s chest like a bullet when he was alone, how it rendered him useless when he wasn’t on the battlefield. He knows that he hasn’t spoken about Erwin much, but he likes it that way. It hurts a little less that way.

"So?" Levi mutters after a beat of silence, "It’s not about me."

Hanji sighs, "But you can’t hold it all in. He - hell, _I_ \- wouldn’t want that. You know that. "

" _Fuck_ ," Levi mutters, turning his head to avoid Hanji’s knowing eyes. He blinks a few times to will the tears welling behind his own eyes to go away. It's times like this that the bolo tie in his breast pocket feels especially heavy. He's kept it in there ever since Erwin had given it to him, as sappy as it was, and never took it out. Couldn't bring himself to. It’s times like this that Levi hates himself for ever believing Erwin. He feels foolish for ever letting himself believe that Erwin would live, that he’d be the exception, and he fucking hates it.

 "Of course I miss him," he says at last, "But that's not going to bring him back."

"It doesn't have to," Hanji murmurs, and at that, she lets it lie, lets their words linger in the air, slowly to be drowned out by the celebration in the streets below them. Levi takes a sip of wine, wondering what Erwin would think of it all.

* * *

 

A month after the war is won and the walls open up, Hanji leads an expedition outside of the walls with the remaining members of the Survey Corps, and Levi (naturally) finds himself right by her side. As much as it pains him to leave the walls for one last time - to look out upon the world as a free man without Erwin by his side - he embarks on the journey with Hanji and the rest of the squad. After all, it's what he always wanted. Or at least, he thinks so. Sometimes, the lines between what he wanted and what Erwin wanted seem to blend together in Levi's head. After all, whatever Erwin was working toward, he was working for. Hanji was right - he would have followed that man anywhere. 

But it _is_ an amazing feeling, to be able to leave the walls without worry of danger from the titans, without worrying about who will die on this mission. It's remarkable, seeing the world like this - empty, pure, wild, and most importantly, untainted by titans. It's amazing to gaze for miles and see nothing but wild open land.

It's amazing, but ultimately, it's too much. In the end, Levi isn't certain what it is that makes him decide to resign from the Survey Corps, to abandon the mission, as much as it kills him. He thinks that maybe, it's a combination of a few things. Because while the freedom is incredible and while the wild world around them is remarkable, it's too much. It's too much, and it's not enough. He wants to conquer the world, but he wants to do it with Erwin at his side, and every time he glances to his left to find an empty space, it breaks his heart just a little bit more. In the end, he's not sure what he wanted more - to be free of the walls, or for _Erwin_ to be free of the walls. The determination and the hope that he'd see in Erwin's eyes whenever he talked about his end goal tells Levi that the answer to his question is the latter.

So in the end, Levi leaves the Survey Corps. They reach the ocean after a few months of travel, and that's when the weight that Levi carries in his chest feels the heaviest. It isn't until they crest that final hill, when the ocean breeze blows through his hair and when Hanji practically leaps off of her horse with excitement that it really hits him.

Erwin should be there. It isn't fair. All that fighting, and for what?

After reaching the ocean, Levi and the rest of the Survey Corps work on finding suitable buildings structures to help rebuild the small town on the coastline. Two months after they reach the ocean, the plan is approved to move citizens out there - it'll be the farthest anyone has ever lived from the walls, another victory for mankind. And the day that the first settlers arrive, looking both anxious and excited, Levi announces his resignation from the Survey Corps. It's something he's been thinking about ever since Erwin's death, but never had the heart to do. He couldn't just abandon his squad, his friends, when they needed him most. But now, with hope on the horizon and victory in their hearts, Levi decides that it is a better time than ever. They can go on without him now, and he can finally live in peace without having to be painfully reminded of Erwin and what they could have had with each passing day.

While his subordinates, especially Mikasa, Eren and Armin, don't quite understand, and while his choice upsets them, they let him leave. And though he can tell that Hanji is a little disappointed with his decision, she wishes him luck, with an embrace and a soft, final, "You always know where to find me."

Levi settles down in a cabin near the ocean, tucked away in a grove of tall trees and hidden from plain view of the other settlers of the seaside town. Rumors spread that the infamous Captain Levi is living among them, and he lets them talk. He doesn't care anymore. His home is secluded, and with the money awarded to him from the government, he manages to make a decent life for himself, away from anything and anyone else. Hanji and some of his squad know where he lives, but other than them, that's it. He doesn't receive visitors very often - mostly just Hanji and Moblit if they have down time between nearby expeditions - and he likes it that way. Levi has always enjoyed being alone. The only company that he never minded, no matter what sort of mood he was in, had been Erwin's.

Levi keeps his horse, as the walk into the nearest town is rough on his leg and there’s a small pasture and stable near his house, and really, she's the only company that Levi needs. The company of an animal is nice, though - in a way, Levi’s always preferred them over the company of humans. They don't talk, don't ask him how he's doing, don't look at him like he's fragile, as Hanji sometimes does when she comes to visit him, and he likes it that way. He doesn't mind being alone. After all, Levi has seen a lot over the years, and after everything, he's okay with being alone with his thoughts. He hangs his Survey Corps jacket in the closet alongside his old maneuver gear, and only really thinks about it when he does his laundry.

Erwin's bolo tie, however, hangs on a hook on the wall in Levi's bedroom. A reminder. A token. At least some part of Erwin finally got to leave the walls, finally go to see the ocean.

Nearly a year passes after his resignation, and Levi seems to finally accept the way that things happened. While his chest still aches at the thought of Erwin and while, some days, he wishes he would have continued on with Hanji and the others, he's okay with loneliness. The quiet suits him well.

Until one evening, nearly two years after Levi settles down in the little seaside cabin tucked away in the woods and nearly three years after Erwin’s death, there's a soft knock on his door.

Levi starts at the sound from his spot kitchen table. Normally, Hanji will announce her presence before she knocks. Something along the lines of "Levi, are you home? I'm coming in-" but Levi _had_ been expecting her sometime within the next few days, so with a sigh, he rises from the table, leaving the remains of his dinner in favor of coming to the door.

Before he even reaches it, there's three more soft knocks on the wood, and as Levi finally pulls the door open, he's already speaking, "Hanji, I thought you weren't coming for another couple -"

But his words are cut short. Levi's voice catches in his throat and his heart practically stops, because it isn't Hanji standing on the other side of the door. No, in fact, they look nothing alike - Hanji with her wild brown hair and glasses, her bubbly demeanor and smiling face.

No, _Erwin_ , with his cold, serious eyes, light, short hair, and the strong way that he holds his body, looks unchanged since the last time Levi saw him.

_The last time Levi saw him_. Levi has replayed that moment over and over countless times in his head - the morning that Erwin gave him the bolo tie, the day that they said goodbye. He has kept that memory stored away, because he thought it was the last time he saw Erwin before he died, but...

But now, Erwin is standing in front of him, clad in a long, dark jacket, face almost hidden by the hood but eyes still strong and piercing in the shadows. For a moment, Levi thinks that he's going insane, that he's seeing things and Erwin will just disappear the second he reaches out to touch him, but then Levi's doing just that and -

And Erwin is solid underneath his fingers. Solid, and warm and very much alive. Levi can feel his chest rise and fall with each breath he takes underneath his palm.

"You-" Levi breaths, head light, dizzy, gazing up at Erwin - at blue eyes he never thought he'd see again, and the sight takes his breath away. His heart races in his chest, and he can't seem to find the right words to say because he'd never imagined _this_. Never, in a million years, did he imagine that this would happen, that he'd have Erwin again, that -

"But you..." Levi gasps. Shallow breaths rip from his throat, and from where he stands in the doorway, Levi feels light-headed, on the verge of a meltdown, a panic attack, something... "Erwin-"

And _then_ , he's smiling. _Erwin_ is smiling, thin and tight, and Levi can't take it. He falls forward, collapsing against Erwin's solid form, fingers roughly gripping the fabric of his jacket. And eventually, he feels the touch of a hand on his shoulders, of an embrace - _Erwin's_ embrace.

"I'm here," Erwin finally speaks, and the rumbling of his chest underneath Levi's grip is what finally does him in, is what has him clutching on like he's afraid he'll disappear if he lets go. "Levi... I'm here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I'm really sorry for the pain in this chapter, too, but it was totally one of my favorites to write. I especially loved writing the exchanges between Levi and Hanji because I love their dynamic. I think they balance eachother out perfectly.
> 
> Also I'm really sorry for killing off some people (ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY'RE SOME OF MY FAVES) but realistically, without their Commander, they couldn't all survive. Please forgive me, haha. 
> 
> I promise there will be more Erwin (obviously) in the next chapter!


	3. If You Loved Me, Why'd You Leave Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _But if you loved me_  
>  _Why'd you leave me?_  
>  _Take my body,_  
>  _Take my body._  
>  \- [All I Want](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM%22) \- Kodaline
> 
> I am so so sorry that it took me this long to update! Usually, I try to at least once a week, but this past week was probably the busiest one I've had in a long time. (On top of normal work, I photographed three concerts in three days, had to edit all of the photos, write some stories and build an entire magazine.)  
> But enough about that, here's some more eruris!

For a moment, time stands still. For a moment, this is all that matters - Erwin in his doorway, his arm wrapped around his shoulders, his body warm underneath Levi. And Levi can't bring himself to pull away, to let go of Erwin. He's uncertain when the tears started falling, but he couldn't stop them even if he tried, can't bring himself to be ashamed of the wetness on his face because _this_ , this is better than anything he'd ever imagined.

It takes some time for Levi to come back down to earth, but when he eventually does - when he's certain that he's calm enough to look Erwin in the eye again - he pulls away, loosening his grip on the other man's coat. And when Erwin looks down at Levi again as they finally part, his heart leaps in his chest.

Barely, Levi finds it in himself to rasp out the word, _"How?"_

Erwin smiles again, a soft, gentle thing that reaches all the way to his eyes, and when he speaks, Levi revels in the sound of it. "May I come in?" he asks quietly, and before he can think, Levi is nodding, stepping aside and taking Erwin's coat, hanging it on a hook next to the door before closing and locking it behind them.

Levi quietly offers him a space to sit at the table as well as some tea, and while Erwin accepts the offer of a seat, he insists that Levi shouldn't make anything for him. And that's when it really hits Levi - when he's looking down at Erwin, _really Erwin_ , sitting at his kitchen table, the reality of the situation hits him.

"You should be dead," he breathes, voice all but gone as he stands still on the other end of the table, staring at Erwin with a blank expression.

Erwin nods, looking down, as if to avoid Levi's eyes. As if to hide from the heartache in his tone. "I know," he murmurs.

"How are you here?" Levi asks, voice a little sturdier now, a little more certain.

"Sit," Erwin offers, glancing at an open seat at the table, and, as if on reflex, Levi obeys. He finds himself sitting across from Erwin in his home as the other man begins speaking. And while on one hand, he wants nothing more than to lunge forward and kiss him, to be grateful that he's _here_ , that he's alive, he can't. He can't, because Erwin is _alive_ , and he shouldn't be. Because Levi has spent almost three years of his life thinking that Erwin was dead, that he'd never see him again, and yet here he is. It's a lot to take in.

In the quiet of Levi's home, Erwin explains to him how he faked his death. How, with the help of Nile and Pixis and a few trusted members of the Military Police, he faked his hanging, made it look believable to everyone who mattered, and went into hiding. He explains how he made the world, including his own squad, believe that the Commander of the Survey Corps was dead. Levi listens with a heavy heart as Erwin explains how he went into hiding in the Underground - the exact place that he had helped Levi escape from years ago - that only a few choice people, including the Reiss family, knew that he was alive. Levi listens as Erwin tells him how he had to keep his secret, how he had to hide out even as the battle raged on, and do nothing.

And ultimately, that's the part that really gets Levi. Erwin knew what was happening - knew how his decision would affect people - and still went through with it. That's what has anger bubbling in Levi's throat, swiftly replacing the happiness and joy and disbelief that he'd felt when he first saw Erwin standing on his doorstep. When Erwin finishes speaking, Levi only has one question for him, and maybe it's shitty and selfish and maybe he should just be grateful that Erwin is back, but he can't help it.

"And you couldn’t let me know that you were alive?" Levi asks at last, the anger and frustration and _hurt_ finally spilling through in his words. If they hurt Erwin, though, he doesn't show it. The other man has always been good at schooling his emotions.

"I did it to protect you, Levi," Erwin replies, voice even, "To protect everyone. You couldn't know."

"That's bullshit," Levi bites, shaking his head back and forth, "That's such bullshit, Erwin."

Erwin's lips become a thin line at his words, but he doesn't argue. He doesn't tell Levi that he's wrong. "I don't expect you to understand, but what I did was for the best," he says instead, "Without me, they thought they'd won. It gave you the chance to strike while their guard was down, and you did."

Levi scoffs. "Of course we did, but-"

"But it was a necessary sacrifice," Erwin argues. Levi has heard those exact words countless times, as Erwin tried to explain to him or members of the Survey Corps, or even a dead soldier’s family, that what they did was for the good of mankind - that their death was necessary to win the war.

"No. No, it wasn't," Levi spits, "Don't you _dare_ give me that bullshit."

"Levi-"

"Do you have _any_ fucking idea how hard it was?" Levi's voice raises over Erwin's, almost to the point of yelling. He stands, kicking his chair out from beneath himself, his palms flat on the kitchen table. He leans forward, toward Erwin, seething, "For everyone? For - for _me?_ Erwin, you can't -"

"I know," Erwin replies softly, cutting Levi's words short.

" _No_ , you don't know. It's like -" he takes a deep breath, eyes darting up at the ceiling as he tries to find the right words, "It's like my _sun_ was ripped away from me. I - _we_ \- had no direction. I didn't - I _never_ knew what I was doing, I just followed you. _Don't you get it?"_

Levi doesn't say it, but he was lost without Erwin. He didn't know what to do without him. He knew it, and Hanji knew it. Hell, half of the Survey Corps probably knew it.

"I understand if you never forgive me," Erwin replies, voice still even, calm, "But I just needed to see you, Levi. I-"

"Who else knows?" Levi bites, cutting Erwin off.

"What?" Erwin asks, confused.

"Who else knows that you're alive?"

"Just Hanji," Erwin answers, "And Moblit, now. Hanji told me where you live -"

"I almost wish she wouldn't have," Levi mutters bitterly. It's quiet, but he knows that Erwin hears him.

At his words, Erwin reaches out across the table, as if to try to touch Levi's hand, but Levi jerks it away. "No, this isn't fair," Levi bites, stepping back, away from Erwin. It's funny, in some horrible, fucked up way. After all, he's spent almost three years just wishing for one more day with Erwin, wishing that he could have saved him, and now that the man is in front of him, he can't even bring himself to touch him.

Levi shakes his head, muttering "You try going through what you put me through, Erwin."

"Levi-"

"You were all I had," He interrupts before Erwin has the chance to say anything else to him - before he has the chance to defend himself. At the realization of what's happening - that he has Erwin back but he can't really _have_ him, not after everything he put him though - Levi feels tears pricking at his eyes, and he tries his damnedest to hold them back. He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want Erwin to make him cry.

"After Farlan and Isabel and my squad, it was just you. It was _always_ you. And when you were gone -" Levi mutters, shaking his head, "You have no idea how fucking hard it was to keep moving forward. But I did it because I knew you'd want me to, because I had to carry on your work. I couldn't let everything you - everything _we_ \- did be in vain. Yet, here you are, alive and well. How the _fuck_ do you think that makes me feel?" The words tumble out, and maybe Levi doesn't mean to say all of them - they're too open, too vulnerable - but he can't help it. Not with the way that Erwin's looking at him. No, he can't help it, not with the way that his heart aches in his chest. He hasn't felt this way since he found out that Erwin died, which in retrospect, is almost laughable now. Three years he spent suffering through that pain and regret and heartache, and for nothing.

Erwin stands at that and his voice is soft, somber, maybe even a little heartbroken when he speaks, "I didn't expect you to welcome me back with open arms, Levi. I just thought you deserved to know-" 

"And you couldn't have let me know before?!" Levi shouts in return, suddenly becoming angry, "A sign, a note, _anything_? Did you have any idea how I - how _we -_ were coping? I - I _killed_ for you, Erwin. Even innocent people. I killed like I thought it would bring you back somehow. If I could get rid of all of them, maybe you'd come back..." The strength and anger in Levi's voice dissipates as he speaks, replaced by something a little weaker, a little more painful. His voice trembles as the words tumble out of his mouth and his hands shake at his sides. He wishes Erwin didn't have this effect on him, but he does. He always has.

"Levi-"

"And now you’re here," Levi interrupts again, and when he speaks, his voice is weak, shaky, "And I almost wish you weren't."

As soon as the words leave Levi's mouth, he almost wishes he could take them back, but he can't. If the pained expression on Erwin's face says anything, it's that he can't take it back. While on one hand, Levi _hates_ that he's the one to cause Erwin that hurt, he can't help it. It's only fair, after everything that he's been through...

After a long beat of silence between the two of them, Erwin finally speaks. When he does, his voice is tired, defeated and soft. "There's nothing I can do or say to make this, right, I know," he murmurs, looking at Levi with honest eyes, "And it was selfish of me to come to you like this, expecting anything in return, but I had to see you."

Levi can't help but feel choked up at Erwin's words. Because on one hand, he's been dying to see Erwin once more, for just one more day with him, But _now_ , now that he's here, he's not certain that he wants that. The thought that Erwin has been alive the entire time almost makes him sick.

"Did you have any idea what was going on while you were gone?" Levi asks, throat thick, sticky. In a way, Erwin's answer will ultimately determine what Levi does next, how he reacts.

Erwin nods once, somber. "I did," he mutters. His tone suggests that he knows how ugly it got toward the end - that he knows that Connie and Sasha had been ripped apart by titans, that Jean had been shot and killed in front of his friends and his squad. His tone suggests that he knows about the way that Levi had reacted, how he'd eventually marched forward numbly, how he had done whatever it took to bring an end to the war. Levi lost count of how many people and titans he killed, and Erwin's tone suggests that he knows all about that.

Levi swallows hard. "Did you even care if it affected us?"

The way that Erwin looks at Levi at his question almost makes him want to cry. _Almost._ "Of course I did," he answers, "But-"

"But it was for the sake of humanity," Levi interrupts coldly, "I get it."

"Levi, if it weren't for the choices that I - _that all of us_ \- made, we wouldn't be here now," Erwin tries to reason with him, his voice calm, cool, collected. In a way, Erwin hasn't changed at all. He's still a strong Commander, still great with words. Still completely oblivious to the feelings of others.

"You wouldn't have this-" he gestures around the house, "This home, this life, the ocean..."

" _Don't_ ," Levi spits. Just the idea that Erwin thinks that his _death_ , be it real or fake, made the world a better place makes Levi want to be sick. It's not fair, because if he had his choice, he'd have Erwin, damned or not. He'd rather watch the world burn around them and have Erwin by his side than not at all, and he'd give everything back - his house in the woods, his freedom, the ocean - if it meant knowing that Erwin had been okay, that he'd been alive the entire time. So Levi can't help the way that he takes another step backward at Erwin's words, shaking his head. "Don't you fucking dare."

"Levi-" Erwin follows him, taking another step forward, but Levi cuts him off.

"No," he mutters, "No, Erwin. I think it's about time you leave."

And finally, at those words, Erwin freezes. At _those_ words, Erwin understands. He's not stupid, and he respects Levi, so at his words, Erwin stops. He watches Levi for a few long, tortuous seconds, his somber eyes searching out his face, searching for a sign, a tell that Levi doesn't really want him to leave. But when he finds nothing, Erwin sighs, nodding once. "If that's what you want."

Levi doesn't say anything, but his lips form a thin line at Erwin's words, his arms coming up to cross over his chest. He looks down, avoiding the eye contact, afraid that if he meets Erwin's eyes, he'll cave. And he can't - not now. Not after everything that the other man has put him through.

It's silent in the kitchen for a long moment before Erwin finally moves. Levi watches out of the corner of his eye as Erwin crosses the space between them cautiously, pausing before him. And still, Levi doesn't look up. Even when Erwin reaches out, fingers just barely brushing against Levi's cheek, he doesn't react, doesn't move, doesn't look at the man before him. And just as fast as Erwin's touch is there, it's gone and he's stepping away, crossing the room to grab his coat before opening the door.

"It was good seeing you again, Levi," he says with one last glance back into the house, and then he's gone.

The second the front door shuts, Levi crumbles to his knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... I'm sorry I'm a terrible person and I know this isn't how you wanted their first meeting to go. BUT I promise it gets better. They're just a little emotionally constipated right now.


	4. Back To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Follow the signs right back to you_  
>  _Back to you, back to you_  
>  _I know they wind right back to you_  
>  _Back to you, back to you_  
>  _Time after time, I follow signs_  
>  _I know they wind right back to you_  
>  \- [Back To You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uIOSj_49Bo) \- Twin Forks
> 
> Two updates in a week! I hope this makes up for my lack of an update last week and such a sad ending to chapter 3.   
> Next week might be a little busy for me, so I figured I'd make it up with a double update this week. So enjoy!

Levi doesn't sleep at all that night. Instead, he finds himself lying in bed, staring across his dark room at the space where Erwin's bolo tie hangs, stone glinting in the dim moonlight that finds its way in through his window. He replays the events of the evening over and over in his head as he lies alone in the darkness, and every time, it's with a numb feeling of disbelief.

Erwin had been alive the entire time. _Erwin is alive._

Erwin is alive, and Levi just let him walk out the door.

He spends half of the night furious at himself for telling Erwin to leave, for letting him leave, and spends the other half hating Erwin for even coming back. Sure it had been hard, but Levi had finally come to somewhat accept life without Erwin. He'd come to understand that he'd never see him again and that it was okay, and then Erwin just showed up at his door like it was nothing. Really, how did Erwin expect him to react? But on the other hand, Levi should just be happy that Erwin's alive. He should be grateful that he has him, _right_?

Levi doesn't sleep that night, and by sunrise the next morning, he's saddling up his horse and riding off to the East well before noon.

Hanji's home (or the place that she calls home when she's not off leading expeditions or helping new settlers to their destinations) is about a two day's ride from Levi's house, and while it's usually pretty hit or miss if she'll be there or not, Levi takes the chance. He decides to ride for her house, because he's certain that it's where Erwin came from and he needs to talk to her - needs to talk to _someone_ \- because the thoughts in his head are eating him up inside. For once, he needs to talk.

With the way that he rides, Levi reaches the small little house tucked away in the hillside just outside of a recently settled town well before sunset on the second day. And by the time Levi dismounts from his horse and finds a place to tie her up outside of the small home, Moblit is already peering through the window, calling for Hanji when he sees who their visitor is.

In a way, Levi has always envied Hanji and Moblit a little bit. He's always been just a little jealous of what they have, that they both managed to survive the war without too much damage and with one another. Levi especially feels that now, as he finds himself sitting at a messy kitchen table across from Hanji while Moblit fetches them some tea. Hand drawn and professionally made maps are scattered about the room, and Levi has to push papers aside when he sits down.

Hanji offers him an apologetic smile, "Sorry. We're just preparing for another outing."

Levi nods, lips in a tight line, "It's fine."

And at that, they're down to business. "What can I do for you?" Hanji asks at last, as soon as Moblit brings the tea, disappearing into another room with a handful of papers, always busy.

"You know why I'm here, Hanji," Levi mutters, bringing the cup to his mouth.

" _Ah_ ," she says, as if she'd forgotten all about it, yet distinctly aware of what Levi is talking about, "He came to see you."

"You could say that."

"How did it go?" Hanji asks, genuine curiosity laced in her voice, and Levi almost wants to laugh.

"How do you think it went?" He bites.

Hanji shoots him an apologetic smile, "Not well, apparently."

"And _apparently_ , you're fine with it," Levi can't help the accusatory tone that finds its way into his voice with his words, "How are _you_ so okay with this?"

Hanji sighs. She sets her cup down on the table, leaning forward on the wood to rub her hands over her face before she speaks. "I wasn't at first," she answers honestly, eyes fixed on the table, "I was mad too. _Hell_ , I still am."

"But..." Levi presses, because with the way she's speaking, there _has_ to be a catch.

" _But_ ,” she says, looking up to meet Levi’s eyes, “He had his reasons for doing what he did.”

"To keep us safe?" Levi questions, a hint of mockery in his tone, " _Hanji_ , people still died. Jean, Sasha, Connie... Erwin didn't keep all of us safe..."

"It wasn't his job to," Hanji argues gently, "It never was. We all knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this life. _You most of all_."

" _Don't_." Levi bites.

"Just hear me out," Hanji says, remaining calm despite the venomous tone in Levi's voice and his defensive demeanor. "He did this for us. You don't think it was _easy_ for him, do you?"

"But-"

"Look at it this way," she offers, cutting him off before he can argue, "He knew what was happening without him and was unable to do anything about it... He knew that people like Jean and Sasha and Connie had died - that he couldn't save us all. Erwin knew how it affected me, Eren, _you_. It's not as if he was blissfully unaware, Levi. He knew everything. And you can't tell me that was easy on him."

Levi opens his mouth to say something, anything in response - _"yeah, but" -_ and closes it. Hanji is right, in a way, as much as he doesn't want to admit it, but...

"It's been nearly three years..." he mutters, defeated, "He couldn't have given us a sign? Anything?"

"You know he couldn't have, Levi..." she murmurs softly. And once again, she's right. Hanji may be the complete opposite of Levi at times, but that doesn't mean she's wrong and that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know Levi. In fact, she keeps him in check a lot of the time. Maybe that's why he came to see her, to talk to her about everything. Maybe he wanted someone to set him straight.

He sighs. "I know. I just -" his voice catches in his throat before he finds it in him to continue speaking, "I don't think I can pick up where we left off. It's not that easy. Too much has happened, too much has changed..."

"I can't speak for him..." Hanji says, "And I gave him the best advice I could about going to you, but I don't think that's what he wants either. He knows that it would be too hard to act like nothing happened. He's not stupid."

Levi shakes his head. Hanji's words make sense and in the back of his head, he knows that she's right, but it's too much. There's too much in his head to sort through, too many emotions, too many memories, too many feelings, too much pain.

"I thought he was dead," he mutters at last, "These past three years, I thought that I'd lost the one person that I actually-"

Levi cuts himself off before he finishes the sentence, but Hanji seems to sense where it was going.

"That you loved?" she offers with a shrug.

Levi scoffs, "I'm not that sentimental."

Hanji smiles. "Yes you are. I've seen it in your eyes, Levi. Even now, I do."

"Shut up," he bites in return, turning to hide his face from Hanji's knowing gaze. He's never said the words before, never even allowed himself to think them. Before Erwin's death, he wouldn't dare speak them for fear of the weight that they carried. Because once they're said, they can't be taken back, because frankly, the idea of _loving_ someone was a little terrifying. Because if he said those words and then lost the one person he felt them for, it would kill him. And after Erwin's death, he never allowed himself to think them, for fear of the burning regret that would come along with it, knowing that he'd never be able to utter the words.

But now...

"The day we found out he was hanged," Hanji’s voice suddenly cuts through Levi's thoughts. The way she speaks is soft, tentative, cautious, "Do you remember that day?"

"You know I do," he hisses lowly.

"Then you remember how you felt that day," Hanji says, "And don't you dare try and tell me it wasn't heartbreak. As painful as it is to remember, and as much as I know you try push that shit down, I know you remember how you felt that day..."

Levi sucks in a deep breath at Hanji's words, the memories flooding his senses. Of course he remembers - he could never forget the way he'd felt that day. He'll never forget the feeling of his entire world crashing down around him when he read the words inked onto that paper. That's something that doesn't leave a person, no matter how much they try to push it down, no matter how much time passes.

"I don't mean to make you relive those feelings, Levi, but you can't lie to yourself," Hanji murmurs softly.

He shakes his head, "Yeah. I know. It's just... I've done some terrible things - shit I wish I could take back. People like me - people like Erwin - we don't deserve _love_ , Hanji. Before he died, I didn't even think about that, because in a life like ours, we don't have time for love..." It's the most he's spoken or even thought of the subject, and just the word - _love -_ leaving his lips makes Levi's chest feel tight. It doesn’t feel right.

"Yet somehow we found it," Hanji replies, reaching forward to take Levi’s hand. She smiles, glancing toward the direction that Moblit went, before looking back at Levi, "I'm not going to tell you what to do - that's your decision to make - but do you really want to throw that away? Your chance to have what you thought you couldn't?"

Levi opens his mouth to speak, to argue Hanji's words, but nothing comes out. He can't think of anything to say to counter her argument. How can he when he knows that she's right? He came to her for help, after all. It would be pointless of him to leave feeling the same as he had when he'd arrived.

"Erwin is alive, Levi," Hanji says at last, "This is your second chance at something you thought you'd never have. Don't waste it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH I KNOW IM SORRY NOT A LOT HAPPENED IN THIS CHAPTER. But thank god for Hanji, and I right? Someone had to be the voice of reason...
> 
> More Erwin in the next chapter. If I don't have a chance to update next week, I promise I will ASAP! 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and for all of your lovely comments. You're all amazing! <3


	5. You There, You're Better Off Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _You there, you're better off here_  
>  _You there, you're better off here_  
>  _Funny it takes no time to fall back down_  
>  _Funny it takes the time to get back up_  
>  \- [You There](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlefHgF0kPA) \- Aquilo
> 
> I AM SO SORRY THAT IT TOOK FOREVER TO GET THIS POSTED. I hope this chapter sort of makes up for the wait!   
> I'll hopefully have the next chapter up much sooner!

Levi heads home early the next morning after speaking with Hanji, her words lingering in the back of his head and his heart heavy in his chest.

_This is your second chance. Don't waste it._

The thing is, Levi feels as if he already did. As he rides back home that morning, his chest feels heavy with worry and regret because _what if he already fucked it up?_ Erwin had shown up at his door with hope in his eyes and Levi had turned him away.

Of course, Levi realizes that his actions were justified. Erwin hurt him and he couldn't possibly expect Levi - stubborn Levi - to back down and let him back into his life that easily. After everything they've been through, after everything Erwin put him through, Levi can't forgive him that easily. Regardless of second chances or not, Levi isn't that kind of person. He's stubborn and Erwin knows it.

But on the other hand, Levi knows - just as Hanji knows - that Erwin felt that the choice he made was the right one. And hell, maybe it was. There's no knowing that now. Erwin did what he thought was best for the greater good, and Levi can't blame him for that. After all, the fight for humanity would always come first, their feelings for one another came second. Levi knew that from the moment that he became romantically involved with Erwin.

But Levi's best and worst quality is his stubbornness. Sometimes, it's a great trait to have. Many times on the battlefield, it saved lives, it helped them win. But it's times like this that Levi wishes he weren't so stubborn.

He wishes he wouldn't have sat back and watched Erwin walk out the door.

The problem is, even if he wanted to see Erwin (which of course he does, even if he's still angry) and even if he wanted to give him a chance, he doesn't know how to go about it. Levi's never been good at admitting when he's wrong, but on top of that, he doesn't even know where Erwin is. After he walked out of the door, he could have gone anywhere. He could have stayed in the small, seaside town, or he could have gone back to the walls. When Levi asked, Hanji knew just as much about Erwin's whereabouts as Levi, so even if he wanted to find him, talk to him and right things with him, Levi wouldn't even know where to start.

Before Levi returns home again, he finds himself riding through the town nearby his house, eyes searching for a tall, blonde man, somewhere - _anywhere -_ but by the time he passes through twice, he decides to head home, disappointed and alone.

* * *

 

For another two days, Levi looks for Erwin everywhere he goes. When he returns to town the next afternoon to buy bread and when he takes the long way back home, he finds himself searching for Erwin, but to no avail. He almost resorts to asking around town, just to see if anyone has spotted him, but decides against it. Chances are, Erwin doesn't want anyone knowing that he's alive, and he's probably doing a damn good job and hiding out, if he's even still in the area. 

The third day after Levi returns home, he has all but accepted the fact that he fucked up - that he may have ruined his chance of ever seeing Erwin again. After all, Erwin's always been one to push Levi, but only when he needs pushing, and Levi made it very apparent that he didn't need it the night he kicked him out. Erwin's one to push, but not that far. He'd never make Levi do anything he didn't want to, so Levi honestly wouldn't be surprised if he went back to the walls already, if he was long gone.

Three days pass, and Levi thinks that maybe one day, when he's less stubborn and more lonely, he'll search Erwin out. Maybe he'll go back to the walls some day and find him, tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he understands. But not now. Levi can't muster up the courage for that now.

No, now, Levi will just continue to live out his simple life in quiet. That he can handle. Now, Levi will stick to his life in the woods, fishing on the coast and visiting Hanji from time to time. Maybe one day, she'll convince Levi to go find Erwin, but not now. Now, he decides, he'll just live with what he's been given. It’s what he deserves.

Three days after Levi returns home, he finds himself bored, anxious, and restless. Late that afternoon, just as the sun starts its descent to the west, he decides to take himself for a walk, thinking that maybe it'll help keep his mind busy, or at least clear it - anything to make the heavy feeling of regret in his chest go away.

During his first month of living by the ocean, Levi discovered a small path, probably used by wildlife, which lead directly from his home all the way to the cliffs and down to the water below, and it quickly became one of his favorite places to walk when his leg wasn’t hurting too much. It's secluded, quiet and most of all, beautiful, and Levi decides to take that path down to the water to help clear his head. The walk isn’t too hard on his leg, and on days like this, he needs it.

In a way, Levi understands that he's lucky - that countless people would have died (and did) for a life like this. He's lucky to be alive, to be able to see the world like this, wild and free, but sometimes, it's too much. Before Erwin had shown up on his doorstep, it was hard - and hell, it still is. It's hard knowing that somehow, he survived to see this, when so many people before and after him didn't. It's painful to think of all of the people who fought so hard for this and didn’t even live to see the end result. There's too many to count, and that's the worst part. How was he so lucky, when they weren't? How did he deserve this any more than them?

The guilt is always there, burning low in his chest, but it's especially tough now, knowing that Erwin is alive. That he could have Erwin, if he wanted.

In the end, Levi got everything that he ever wanted, but at what cost?

He shakes the thought from his head as he walks. No, he refuses to think about that now. He's had that discussion with Hanji countless times, and countless times she's told him the same thing; he can't feel guilty for living. But it’s hard when nightmares plague him at night and guilt sits heavy in his chest in the day.

But he tries not to think about it as he walks. Instead, Levi lifts his head up, tears his gaze away from the trail and takes in the beautiful sight before him. It really is breathtaking, after all - the way the trees open up into tall grass, the way that the cliffs overlook the water. As Levi nears one of his favorite places along the coast, he spies a figure off in the distance. They sit alone on a small outcropping that overlooks the water, a horse by their side. It's about a ten foot drop straight down from where they sit, and it looks like they have a fishing line in the water, the pole wedged in between a couple of rocks where it sits, untouched.

Levi almost turns away to leave the fisherman to himself until he realizes that he recognizes the form in front of him - until he gets a little closer and notices the empty right sleeve of the man's jacket, pinned up tightly against his shoulder.

Levi swallows hard. He considers turning around and going back the way he came, but he can't. He's always been drawn to Erwin, after all. So instead, he finds himself walking forward, taking a deep breath. Before Erwin notices his presence, he's announcing himself, calling out.

"You won't catch much here," Levi says in greeting. Erwin glances up at that, body stiffening at the sudden noise, but when he sees Levi, he relaxes just slightly. Erwin's eyes don't leave him as he approaches.

"No?" Erwin asks, voice careful. He's being cautious, and while Levi appreciates it, it also makes the conversation that much more strained. How do you pick up the pieces and fix things when you don't even know where to start?

Still, Hanji's voice is persistent in the back of his mind -

_This is your second chance._

"No," Levi says finally, stopping once he's close enough to Erwin to talk in a normal tone. He glances down the coastline, nodding to the left. "The best fishing spot is down a little ways, near the rocks." Erwin doesn't say anything at first, and when Levi becomes uncomfortable with the silence, he speaks again, "I can show you."

Erwin watches Levi for a moment more, eyes careful, before nodding, "Sure." He turns at that, going to reel in his line in and finds himself fumbling with the pole as he does so - as it turns out, fishing with one arm really isn't that easy. Reflexively and without thinking about it, Levi leans down and reaches out, taking the pole from Erwin's hand, reeling it in for him. And with another long glance - Levi feels hot under Erwin's gaze - Erwin grabs his things from the ground and stands to follow Levi along the shoreline, his horse trailing close behind.

And for a moment, it's quiet between the two of them. Levi's heart races in his chest at the thought of Erwin walking by his side, but he doesn't say a word. Instead, the two of them walk together in silence, and while there are a million thoughts racing through Levi's head, he keeps them to himself.

Within a few minutes, they make it to a rocky outcropping much lower and closer to the water, and Levi silently helps Erwin put a new worm on his fishing line before throwing it out for him and then handing him the pole. Levi takes a seat on outcropping, feet dangling over the edge, and after a moment, Erwin follows suit. By now, the sun is low in the horizon, not quite setting, but its angle in the sky turns everything around them a surreal golden color. The view from where they sit - the rays of light dancing over the water, the clear sky - is breathtaking. It's something that Levi knows he'll never get sick of.

After a few minutes of silence, sitting on the rock outcropping, waiting for Erwin to catch something, Levi takes a deep breath. If Erwin isn't going to be the one to break the silence, then he will. "Beautiful, isn't it?" he settles with after a few moments, voice soft. Levi's gaze doesn't leave the horizon, but he can see Erwin turn to look at him for a moment out of the corner of his eye.

"Very," Erwin agrees after a beat of silence. The way he speaks is cautious, careful. It's obvious that Erwin knows that he's toeing a line with Levi. He doesn't say too much or too little - lets Levi speak first. And while Levi appreciates it - he doesn't want to push this too far, especially with the way that his chest still aches whenever he really _sees_ Erwin - it also drives him insane. He's used to Erwin prying a little, pushing because he knows when Levi wants to talk and when he doesn't. Now, however, it's up to Levi to keep the conversation going.

"Never thought I'd actually see it, you know?" Levi murmurs, gazing out over the vast expanse of water. That much is true - he had almost been certain that he would die before they ever had a chance to live free. That he would give his life for the cause. The fact that he's sharing this moment here, with Erwin, is more than he could have ever asked for, even if things are far from perfect.

Erwin nods in agreement, "Not in a million years."

In a way, it's nice that Erwin leaves control of the conversation to Levi. Nothing feels like it's too much or not enough. When Levi speaks again, his voice is soft, relaxed. "Yet here we are."

"Yet here we are," Erwin echoes in a far away tone, and it's at those words that Levi finally turns to look at him and _really_ look at him. He drinks in the sight - the way that the sun makes his skin glow, the way the ocean is mirrored in his eyes, his hair blowing gently in the breeze and the faint smile on his lips. It's the first time Levi has really _looked_ at Erwin since he saw him standing in his doorway, and he'll be damned if he doesn't enjoy the sight. So when he speaks, he can't help the words that come out of his mouth - it's the truth, after all.

"It is good to see you, Erwin," Levi murmurs, voice soft, almost hypnotized by the man sitting next to him. His words cause Erwin to glance up from where he stares over the water, and for a brief moment, their eyes meet. Erwin looks tired, but never defeated, always full of hope, and it pulls at Levi's heart.

Erwin opens his mouth to say something, but before he has a chance, there's a sharp tug on his fishing pole, almost enough to rip it away from his grasp. He jumps at that, struggling to reel it in with one hand, holding it between his knees and without thinking - it's a reflex to help Erwin, after all - Levi reaches out, grabbing the pole to hold it still. Erwin glances up at him for a brief, fleeting moment, before his gaze is directed back to the water and he keeps reeling.

"Are you staying somewhere?" Levi asks once the fish is reeled in and caught, tossed into a pale at Erwin’s side. He watches Erwin carefully, waiting for his answer, silently praying that he doesn't have somewhere to stay - just another excuse to be around him, awkward as it may be.

Erwin glances up. "No," he answers, "Well, not anywhere in particular."

"We can cook it at my house," Levi offers before he has a chance to talk himself out of it. He shrugs, feigning indifference, adding a muttered, "If you want." Honestly, he discovered pretty quickly that he's not overly fond of some seafood, but he still offers, still watches Erwin with hopeful eyes.

"I wouldn't want to-" Erwin begins to say, but Levi cuts him off.

"I wouldn't have offered if you were a burden," he says with just a bit of a bite in his voice.

Erwin cracks a small smile in response, "Alright."

The walk back to Levi's small house nestled in the trees is quiet, but comfortable. Neither man speaks as Levi leads them down the trail, Erwin's fishing pole in hand, but in a way, Levi doesn't mind it. He doesn't mind, because Erwin is following closely behind him. Because, against all odds, he managed to find Erwin again. Erwin had managed to find _him_ again.

They eat dinner by dim lamp light - the sun sets shortly after they make it back to Levi's house and cook up the fish - and still, things are fairly quiet between Erwin and Levi. Save for a little small talk here and there - Erwin asks a few questions about the nearby town, about when Levi had decided to settle down in the small cottage - it's mostly silent between them. It's a silence Levi is used to, though - a silence he can handle. Most of his days back in the Survey Corps, at Erwin's side, were spent in comfortable silence. The two of them were close, they didn't need words, didn't need to fill the air with useless chatter to make them feel comfortable, unlike most people.

But still, once they finish eating, Levi can't help the words that slip their way past his lips. It's partially due to his lack of brain-to-mouth filter, and partially due to the fact that he doesn't want to watch Erwin walk out his door again - not if he can help it. So moments after they finish eating, Levi leans back in his chair, tilting it onto its back legs and says, simple as possible, "Stay here."

Erwin looks up at him from the opposite end of the table at that, eyebrows pulled together in confusion. He opens his mouth to question Levi's words - what did he mean by _stay here?_ \- but suddenly, it seems to hit him. Suddenly, he seems to understand what Levi means, and immediately begins to backpedal. Obviously, their previous conversation had taken a toll on Erwin, as it had on Levi. It's apparent that he doesn't want to push too far, doesn't want to force Levi into anything. "Levi, I-" he starts, but Levi is quick to cut him off.

He lets the front legs of the chair fall back to the floor again with a loud _thud_ , sitting up straight once more. "I wouldn't ask you if I didn't want you to" Levi argues before Erwin has a chance to say anything else, "You don't have a place to stay, and I have a perfectly good sofa. Stay."

At Levi's words, Erwin's face softens. When he smiles, it's gentle, tentative and warm. "Thank you, Levi," he murmurs.

And Levi can't help but offer up a small smile in return as well.


	6. Salt In The Air, Blood In My Veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _When everything that I can see_   
>  _Goes dark I feel you here with me_   
>  _And I, I'm holding on to you_   
>  _When shadows try to swallow me_   
>  _You're the only light I'll ever need_   
>  _And I, I'm holding on to you_
> 
> _Salt in the air, blood in my veins_  
>  _No more black clouds, just colorful days_  
>  _Salt in the air, blood in my veins_  
>  _No more black clouds, just colorful days_  
>  \- [California](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn-XpOtX2o4) \- Yelloward.   
> (Seriously, if you are going to listen to any of the songs I share, listen to this one. It kills me every time I hear it.)
> 
> I really hope you guys like this chapter, it was definitely one of my favorites to write, especially because Erwin and Levi get to interact more in this. Also, imagining them swimming in the ocean is basically the best thing ever.
> 
> The next chapter is hands down my favorite in the entire fic, and I really hope to have it up ASAP!

Erwin ends up sleeping on the sofa, even though Levi offers up his own bed for him to stay in for the night, or as long as he may need. Erwin refuses the generous offer in favor of sleeping on the couch, though, insisting that it's better than anything he's had lately, and the comment, while innocent, goes straight to Levi's gut. He knows what life in the Underground is like. He grew up there, lived there, knew it like the back of his hand, and he knows that Erwin didn’t have it easy. He doesn't press the issue, doesn't ask Erwin to elaborate, though, and instead just nods, offering him a blanket and a pillow before slipping away into his own bedroom for the night.

Levi doesn't really sleep that first night, either. It's hard to, knowing that Erwin is only a room away - that Erwin is _alive_ and in his home, that he could walk into the other room and grab him and kiss him if he wanted to. The thought nearly drives Levi mad, and he can't help but wonder if Erwin feels the same way, can't help but wonder if Erwin missed him as much as he was missed. He can't help but wonder if Erwin is lying awake on the sofa, thinking the same exact thing.

He doesn't leave his room, though. Instead, Levi eventually drifts off into unconsciousness, and for the first time in months, falls into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. Nightmares came easily after Erwin died, after the war ended, and had quickly become a normal part of Levi's life, as he was plagued by them more often than not. So a night without nightmares - or dreams at all, for that matter - is welcomed with open arms by Levi. And when he awakes in the morning to the sound of chirping birds and sunlight filtering in through his bedroom window, Levi finds himself wondering if it has anything to do with Erwin.

That first morning, Levi assures a sleepy Erwin over a cup of hot coffee that he is more than welcome to stay as long as he likes, whether it's for a day or a week or a month. _Or forever_ , Levi thinks to himself, but doesn't say.

Erwin promises him a few days at the most and thanks him for his hospitality, but after that morning, a few days quickly turn into a week, and soon enough, it's been the better half of a month, and Erwin is still saying on Levi's sofa.

After the first week, they seem to fall into a routine with one another. Levi almost always wakes before Erwin, still stuck in the habit of rising with the sun, even over a year after settling down in his cottage. Erwin is a heavy sleeper, and Levi lets him sleep in, greeting him when he finally awakes with a cup of coffee and a muttered _good morning_ , as they move around one another in the small house.

Being officially retired from the Survey Corps - he filled out his paperwork not long after resigning to Hanji - Levi finds that on most days, he doesn't really do much, though he never really noticed it until there was another body in his house, another person watching the way he moves. Some days, Levi will ride into the nearest town to gather food or supplies, and usually Erwin opts to stay home or take a walk down to the beach to fish. Levi learns rather quickly that Erwin doesn't care for most human interaction anymore, and Levi can't blame him. On top of the whole _faking his death_ thing, there's only so much one person can take in their lifetime, and, while he was Commander of The Survey Corps, Erwin dealt with his fare share of _people_. Levi doesn't blame him for not wanting to venture into town - most days, Levi doesn't really want to, either.

They develop a routine, though, within the first week or two of Erwin's stay at Levi's house. They'll get ready for the day around one another, Erwin waking later in the morning after Levi, then go about their plans for the day, be it fishing, reading or riding into town. Afterwards, Erwin usually quietly helps Levi with lunch or dinner, and they spend the rest of the evening either in comfortable silence or talking about their time in the Survey Corps.

Levi never thought he'd _enjoy_ remembering his life as a solider - never thought he'd _want_ to remember a life with titans - but talking with Erwin, more often than not, brings a smile to his lips. Maybe it comes with age, or maybe it's just the company, but Levi doesn't mind recounting or remembering stories that they shared together of their time in the Corps. It makes him feel like an old man at times, but it's good. The company is good.

They never discuss things between the two of them, though. Two weeks into Erwin's stay, that becomes apparent. Erwin purposely avoids the subject all together, though Levi is certain it's not because he doesn't _want_ to talk about it, but because Erwin is simply respecting Levi's boundaries. And while at times, it's lonely lying in bed at night, knowing that Erwin is just in the other room, Levi understands. He's grateful that Erwin doesn't push the subject, because honestly, he's not certain that he's ready to talk about it yet, anyway.

Even when Levi's heart lurches when he looks at Erwin, bathed in morning light, up early for a change as he makes breakfast for the two of them about a month after he'd originally appeared on Levi's doorstep, Levi isn't ready to talk about it. He's not ready to talk about the way he'd felt when he heard the news - when he thought Erwin was dead. And he's certainly not ready to talk about his feelings for the other man now, whatever they may be.

Levi knows that eventually, they're going to have to discuss things. He knows that if Erwin is going to stay with him for another month or more, they're eventually going to address the elephant in the room, but right now, he doesn't bring it up. He can't, because deep down, he's a little terrified of losing Erwin again. Eventually, the dam will break - the subject will come up and there will be no avoiding it, but for now, Levi lets it rest. For now, he's just content in Erwin's company.

One quiet afternoon, about a month after Erwin first shows up at Levi's house, Levi finds himself sitting in the kitchen by himself, watching Erwin as he sits on the sofa in the other room, feet propped up as he thumbs through a book that he had brought along with him and his other few belongings in his horse's saddle bags. It's the third time Levi has seen Erwin read through the book in question in the past week, and as he sits in the other room, watching him, he can't help but let out a sigh of exasperation.

Erwin turns at the noise, glancing up at Levi from his spot on the couch. At Levi's expression - he must look really pathetic, leaning on the kitchen table, face in his hands - Erwin cracks a small, somewhat amused smile. "Bored?"

Levi sighs again. "I never thought I'd say this," he mutters, "But I sort of miss having something to do."

Erwin just shrugs in response. "I don't mind the quiet," he returns, voice far away as his gaze returns to his book.

"That's the third time you've read that book this week," Levi comments, "Aren't you tired of it?"

Again, Erwin just shrugs. "I find something new every time," he says, voice thoughtful. He turns to face Levi again at that, holding the book up, "I can let you read it, if you like."

Levi shakes his head, finding the strength in himself to stand at that, stretching long and tall. He pretends he doesn't feel Erwin's eyes on him as he does so. "I'd rather get out of the house," he mutters at last, "It's nice outside. Maybe go down to the beach."

Erwin simply hums in response, seemingly caught up in his book again, and again, Levi sighs. "Do you want to come with?" he bites, the question harsh and impatient on his tongue.

For a moment, Levi thinks that Erwin might turn him down. While the other man has been his guest for about a month, now, they've still been skirting around each other, afraid to touch, to get too close. And while Levi respects that, he wants something a little more. He _is_ human, after all.

"Yeah," Erwin says at last, shaking Levi out of his thoughts with his unexpected answer, "Sure, that sounds nice."

In the length of time that Levi has lived in the seaside cottage, he has only really found himself walking down to the beach for the pure intention of just relaxing instead of fishing or following Hanji on one of her ridiculous quests a small handful of times. Maybe it's because he always felt so alone by the water, or maybe it's because the sea salt in the air managed to clear his mind and the thought of that scared him a little, but as he finds himself walking at a leisurely pace down to the water with Erwin only half an hour later, Levi wishes that he did it more often.

The weather is absolutely perfect, something Levi hasn't really paid much attention to these days. It's something he doesn't really worry about anymore, now that he's not constantly on the road, exploring or fighting for the sake of humanity. But he notices it now, as he walks along the beach in comfortable silence with Erwin. They're standing just on the edge of summer - it's still quite warm out, but there's a crisp coolness in the breeze, hints of fall in the air - and Levi would be lying if he said he didn't love this weather.

As they walk along the shoreline, Levi realizes that in all of his time living next to the ocean, he's never _really_ stepped foot in it. Sometimes, he sits on top of the cliffs, watching as some of the more daring settlers paddle out into the water in small fishing boats, but he's never gone himself. Levi is more comfortable on the ground or in the air - not in the water. He had never really learned how to swim - never had a need for it - and the idea of the vast, endless ocean, while thrilling, is also frankly a little terrifying to him.

Erwin, however, doesn't seem to share his same apprehensions, Levi notes. He watches as the other man pauses for a moment, toeing off his own shoes before gathering them up in his hand after clumsily rolling up the legs of his trousers.

"What are you doing?" Levi asks, even as he watches Erwin wade into the water just barely, the crystal clear tide washing over his toes before receding into the ocean, leaving him wet and sandy.

"The water feels nice," Erwin answers simply. He looks up at where Levi walks, a few feet away from the water. "You should try it."

Levi snorts, "It's gross. You're going to get dirty."

"That's what baths are for," Erwin retorts simply. When Levi doesn't say anything in response, his eyes widen in sudden realization. "Don't tell me that you've lived here all this time without getting in the water."

Levi simply shrugs at his words. "Never had a reason to," he mutters. And he means to leave it at that, he really does, but Erwin's eyes are heavy on him at his words. But the breeze feels nice and the sun is hot and Levi would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it, as gross as the water may be at times, filled with algae, fish and other possible creatures.

He stops walking after a long moment, turning to Erwin with a sigh. Without a word, Levi leans down, pulling his own boots off before tossing them up onto the beach and rolling his own pants up. The wet sand is soft under his feet, as he makes his way down toward the water, and Levi would be lying if he said it didn't feel nice, if the cool water didn't feel refreshing once it finally washed up over his toes.

When Levi looks up, it's to meet Erwin's heavy gaze, and the other man smiles in return. It lights up Erwin's eyes, and Levi thinks, as he stands in the water, that it’s the first time he's _really_ seen Erwin smile since he first showed up on his doorstep, since he first came back into his life. The sight is something Levi has missed, but he doesn't say it. Instead, he just kicks some water at Erwin. "Happy?" he bites, though there's no venom in his tone. There rarely is anymore.

"Are you?" Erwin asks in return, and the question causes Levi to flush under his gaze, causes him to turn away, looking down at the water. Erwin doesn't wait for an answer, though, doesn't expect one, and that's something Levi has always liked about him. Erwin never pushes him to do anything, lets him make his own choices, lets him talk when he wants to or lets the silence hang between them when he doesn't feel like it.

So instead of pushing, Erwin simply takes a few steps backward, wading deeper into the water. It's up to his knees now, lapping at the rolled-up edges of his pants. Levi scowls at the sight - Erwin's going to have to hang them when they get back - but he doesn't argue. Instead, he actually follows Erwin deeper into the water, until it's just barely getting his own pant legs wet. He doesn't think about the way he mindlessly follows Erwin into the water, how following Erwin always comes natural, though. Instead, he just revels in the feeling of the cool water on his skin and doesn't know why he didn't do this before.

Levi's thoughts are cut short, however, when Erwin begins to move, when he reaches up to pull his own shirt over his head easily with one arm - with much more grace that Levi is used to seeing - and tosses it behind them and onto the beach. He throws Levi another smile, and Levi simply raises an eyebrow at him in return, trying not to drink in the sight of Erwin, standing shirtless in front of him in the water, and failing. It's been too long since he's seen Erwin like _this,_ and he'd be lying if he said that the years hadn't been kind to him. Despite the numerous scars that litter his torso - some that Levi knows, some that, painfully, he doesn't - Erwin's body is still in fighting shape, still a sight to behold. The water below them reflects light up onto Erwin's body and it dances across his skin as the waves roll by and onto the beach, and for the first time in a while, Levi wants nothing more than to reach out and _touch._

But then Erwin is moving again, taking another couple of steps backward until the water soaks his pants, reaching all the way up to his hips. He spares Levi one last glance, and then he's turning and diving into the water, as if he's done it a thousand times before.

For a split second, Levi panics. Erwin disappears underneath the water and Levi can't see him, and for a moment, he almost contemplates diving in after him. (Can Erwin even swim with one arm? Would Levi even be any help if he tried?) But after a few seconds, Erwin emerges from the water, smile spread across his wet face. He reaches up, wiping the water away from his eyes and pushing his hair to the side and looks up at Levi, as if he's waiting for a reaction.

"You’re fucking soaked," is all Levi can come up with in a half-amused tone.

"That's the point," Erwin retorts. He takes another step backward into the water, the waves now lapping up on his stomach and motions for Levi to follow him. "Come on."

"I don't know how to swim," Levi bites in return. He stays put in his spot, though he can't deny that he wants to follow Erwin. It's been a long time since he's seen the other man smile, especially so genuinely. It reaches his eyes, nearly dimples his cheeks. For the first time in a long time, he looks truly happy.

"You don't have to, it's not deep," Erwin argues back, and with a sigh, Levi complies. He unbuttons his own shirt and tosses it onto the beach next to Erwin’s before taking another step into the water. He lets himself take it all in as he walks, the smell of the salt in the air, the feeling of the soft sand moving beneath his toes, the cool water soaking his trousers and torso, going all the way up to his waist before he reaches Erwin.

"Feels nice, huh?" Erwin asks, voice soft once Levi is close enough, taking a step closer, and Levi almost gasps at the lack of space between them

"Yeah," he finally admits with a small, barely there smile.

"Try it," Erwin coaxes, motioning to the water between them, "I'm right here." And maybe it's because he's feeling adventurous or maybe it's the comforting, reassuring tone in Erwin's voice, but whatever it is, Levi listens. After just a moment's thought, he finds himself diving under the cool water, letting it wash over him.

When Levi emerges, he's not quite as graceful as Erwin. Water manages to get up his nose and in his ears, and when he stands again, he immediately starts coughing and sputtering, the salt in the water burning his lungs. Without warning, and without thinking about it, Erwin immediately steps forward, reaching out, fingers brushing Levi's hip under the water. "Are you alright?" he asks, voice soft.

With a deep breath, Levi manages to nod, rasping out, "Yeah. Fine." He wipes the salt water away from his eyes with the backs of his hands and runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it back on his head and out of his face. It isn't until Levi looks up, however, that he realizes just how close Erwin is. Suddenly, his touch feels heavy on Levi's hip, even under the water, and for a moment, time seems to freeze.

It isn't until Erwin moves, dipping down just slightly, that Levi seems to snap out of it. He takes a step back, pulling away from Erwin's touch, seemingly suddenly distracted by the soon to be setting sun off in the horizon.

"We should go back," he says, breaking the silence between them, "It's getting late."

Erwin opens his mouth to speak - to argue, it's not really that late - but seems to think better of it, stopping himself after a moment before eventually nodding. "Alright," he says reluctantly, "Let's go."


	7. My Love Is Everywhere You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I know you feel the wounds of time_   
>  _The wondering feet of crows_   
>  _But I am yours and you are mine_   
>  _And none but me could know_   
>  _How all of you enraptures me_   
>  _Till I can't look away_   
>  _I pray that I will live to see_   
>  _You wear a crown of gray_
> 
> _My love, how beautiful you are_  
>  _My love is everywhere you are_  
>  \- [Of Crows And Crowns](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dawMFkPNJpM) \- Dustin Kensrue (okay but for real this song is amazing and it makes me want to cry and I almost pasted ALL of the lyrics in here because they're so amazing - go listen to it!)
> 
> A/N:  
> THIS WAS MY FAVORITE CHAPTER TO WRITE. I hope that I did the love between these two justice.   
> I also really hope this chapter was worth the wait! The last one will be up soon!

The sun seems to set quickly as Levi and Erwin walk back to Levi's cottage in the woods. Even with their dry - and sandy, Levi notes with a scowl - shirts, the walk back is still chilly, especially when half of their clothing is soaking wet. Autumn is just around the corner, and Levi can especially feel it in the air now, as the cool breeze makes him shiver, hugging his shirt tightly to his body.

The sun is just setting in the horizon, shining gold between the trees surrounding Levi's house when they finally make it back. "There are towels in my bedroom," Levi says as they walk through the doorway, "In the closet. I'll make some tea."

Erwin nods in understanding, disappearing quickly down the hallway and into the bedroom, and Levi quickly busies himself by cleaning up the kitchen and putting water on the stove. He wants nothing more than to get out of his wet clothes and into something warm and dry, but he opts to wait for Erwin to get the towels first, though he does pull off his sandy, dirty shirt, setting it temporarily on the kitchen counter. From the kitchen, Levi can see the wet trail of ocean water and sand that they'd managed to track in the doorway, down the hall and into the kitchen and scrunches his nose in disgust. The sand will be hell to get out, but at least it'll be something to keep him busy tomorrow. He won't worry about the mess too much tonight.

Levi isn't sure how much time passes as he leans up against the kitchen counter, waiting for Erwin, but once their tea is ready and the other man still hasn't emerged from the bedroom, he narrows his eyes in confusion. "Erwin?" he calls out into the small, quiet house, but to Levi's surprise, there's no answer.

Reluctantly, Levi leaves their tea sitting in the kitchen and finds himself wandering down the hallway, tracking even more sand and water and dirt into his house in order to find Erwin. And when he does - when Levi finally turns the corner and pushes his bedroom door open - he immediately regrets sending him into his room.

He finds Erwin standing just inside his bedroom doorway, clean towels from the closet discarded and forgotten on the bed, bolo tie off of its spot on the wall and in his hand, and Levi's heart practically stops. He had forgotten about the bolo tie - had forgotten about the article of Erwin's clothing hanging on his bedroom wall. It had quickly become part of Levi's house after moving in. After a few months, he was so used to seeing it that some days, it didn't even hurt to look at it anymore. And since Erwin returned, he had nearly forgotten that the bolo tie was even hanging on his wall, a reminder of what he and Erwin used to have - what they _could have had._ He hadn't meant for him to see it, hadn't even thought about it, but Erwin hasn't been inside his bedroom since he showed up on his doorstep nearly a month ago and-

"Levi..." Erwin murmurs, voice quiet, cutting Levi's thoughts short. Levi's own voice catches in his throat at the tone of Erwin's voice, at his body language, even though he can't properly see his face from where he stands. What's he supposed to say? What's there to say?

He hadn't even planned on keeping the tie when Erwin originally gave it to him - had planned on giving it back to him the next time he saw him. But then Erwin was gone and Levi was alone, and it had been the only remaining thing he had of his Commander, his lover. He hadn't meant for Erwin to see it...

For a long moment, it's quiet in the bedroom, and for the first time since Erwin showed up on Levi's doorstep, the silence is deafening. Levi doesn't know what to say, not to this. Nothing could have prepared him for this. When he hung the bolo tie up on his bedroom wall, it had been in memory of Erwin - it had been a reminder for Levi to never stop fighting. But now that Erwin is here, bolo tie in hand, pain in his voice, Levi doesn't know what to say. How should he? How would he have ever known to prepare for this?

So for a long moment, Levi just watches Erwin, watches the way his face works as he stares down at his own tie. He supposes that eventually, the dam was bound to break. That eventually, they would have to talk about things - they couldn't skirt around the subject forever. Suddenly, the question bubbles up in Levi's throat, and he can't help it when it makes its way out. It's something he's been wondering for a while now, after all.

"When you gave me that," Levi says, voice low, "Did you already know?"

_Did you know that you were leaving?_

Erwin turns to look up at him at that and for a moment, his face looks puzzled, as if he doesn't know what Levi is talking about. And then he sees the way that Levi looks at him - the pained look on his face - and he seems to get it. "No," he murmurs, voice sad, somber. He never lets go of the bolo tie, clutches it tightly in his hand. "No, not then. I just - I wanted you to have it, Levi."

In a way, Levi isn't sure if that admission makes him feel better or worse. Some part of him almost hoped that Erwin had given it to him as a parting gift, as a way to say goodbye before he “died.” At least if that were the case, it would justify Levi's anger toward him, would make it a little easier to be mad. But with Erwin's admission, his heart cracks just a little, because Erwin _wanted_ him to have it, had given him the bolo tie because he cared about him, because he wanted Levi to always have some part of him. It's _that_ that really hits hard.

"Oh..." Levi murmurs. At that, he glances downward, avoiding Erwin's knowing eyes. But as always, Erwin knows when to push, when to wait. He knows when Levi will resist and when he will yield, so he takes a step forward, slowly closing the gap between them. They have to talk about this, after all. It's been a long time coming.

When Erwin speaks, his voice is soft, somber. "If I could change the past, I would."

"I know," Levi murmurs in return. And _really_ , he does know. If Erwin's demeanor, his soft voice aren’t proof of that now, his actions over the past few weeks definitely are. The fact that the first thing that he did as soon as he was free to leave the walls was search Levi out is proof of that.

"I never meant to hurt you," he says, and suddenly, everything is too much, not enough. Levi wants to fall, to collapse in Erwin's arms, but at the same time, he wants to back away, to tell him to stop, that he _did_ hurt him, even if he didn't mean to.

Instead, all Levi manages is another low, "I know." Just the look on his face tells Erwin everything he needs to know, though. It tells him how much Levi _has_ been hurting.

Erwin shakes his head in disappointment at himself. "I made a promise to you that I wouldn't leave you, and I broke it," he says, and Levi almost immediately catches the reference. He remembers the day in his bedroom that he had given Erwin a chance to back out, to get as far away from him as possible, but Erwin had refused, and in that, he had promised that nothing would happen to him. That he would be there for Levi.

Obviously, it was naive of Levi to believe it, though. As he said, their job was a death wish. It was honestly a miracle that Erwin didn't die. Levi should be grateful, he thinks. "You did what you had to," he says, "I get it."

Erwin shakes his head back and forth at Levi's words, though. "That's not good enough. I am so sorry..."

"Erwin-"

"No," he interrupts before Levi can get a word in edgewise. Even now, he clutches onto the bolo tie as he speaks. "I wish there was something I could do... Anything, I'd - I'd do anything, Levi..."

Levi opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. What's he supposed to say? What are the right words? While he's been anticipating this conversation and the million ways it could go, nothing compares to the real thing. Nothing compares to Erwin, standing in front of him, close enough to touch, pain and hurt and guilt written all over his face.

"I understand if you hate me-" Erwin starts, but doesn't get a chance to finish.

"I could never hate you," Levi breathes, and the words are second nature. Instinct. He can't hate Erwin. His talk with Hanji, the past month, the moment at the beach earlier are all proof of that. He could never hate Erwin, can't hate him for what he did, because he's here now...

And finally, Erwin smiles. It's not the same, wide, joyous smile from earlier at the beach, but instead sadder, more understanding. It pulls at Levi's heartstrings and when Erwin takes a step forward, Levi lets him. He doesn't move, doesn't even breathe as Erwin closes the gap between him, as he glances down at the bolo tie in Erwin's hand. And Levi doesn't move when Erwin reaches up, tie in hand to place it over his head, around his neck. In fact, Levi bows his head forward slightly, allowing him to place it around his neck. The stone falls and hangs heavy on the center of his bare chest, and Levi realizes that it's the first time he's worn it since Erwin gave it to him. He's not sure why he never did, because now, it feels at home around his neck, as if it always belonged there. The weight is nice, sturdy, _real._  

Erwin slowly reaches out after a moment of silence, and when Levi doesn't object, doesn't try to stop him, he lets his fingers press against the stone center of the bolo tie before tracing its path up Levi's bare chest. His fingers follow the cord up against his collar bone, his neck, and when he doesn't flinch away from the contact of skin on skin, Erwin continues upward, fingertips brushing his jaw line, tilting his chin up just barely - just so he can look Levi in the eyes.

There are no words, nothing either man could say to make things different - nothing they can do to change the past. There's nothing that can be done about that now, Erwin knows it and Levi understands it. He also understands that this is his second chance, as Hanji had put it. When he looks up at Erwin, he knows that. When his heart swells at the sight before him, he believes it. There are no words, though, so instead, Levi tilts his head, turning to brush his lips up against Erwin's wrist in a soft, barely there kiss. A surrender.

The action hits Erwin like a punch to the gut, ripping a gasp from his lips. " _Oh_ ," Erwin murmurs, as if he suddenly understands, "Levi..."

 And at that, Erwin's hand on Levi's face becomes a little more solid, sturdy. He cups Levi's chin, holds him in place gently, and gazes down at him, "If you don't want this-"

"Don't be an idiot," Levi mutters in return, cracking a small, soft smile. They're the first words he has spoken in a long while, and his voice seems to shake the silence, seems to make this even more real. His nerves bubble up in his chest. "You know I do."

Erwin simply smiles in return at Levi in return before leaning down and carefully, gently, pressing their lips together. It's soft and tentative, and in a way, it reminds Levi of the last time they kissed. As Erwin kisses him in the fading light of his bedroom, Levi is reminded of the last time they kissed in the hospital room, right after Erwin had lost his arm. While then, it was much more rushed, scared and desperate, there's that same sort of tenderness in Erwin's touch, in the press of his lips, and Levi gasps at the memory.

Kissing Erwin is like coming home.

He leans up on his toes at that, arms coming up to wrap around Erwin's shoulders as he presses into the kiss, and he'll be damned if it doesn't feel good to give in. Because while he had his reasons for being angry - he still does - he missed Erwin. He missed _this_.

When they finally part, Levi leans forward, pressing his head into Erwin's chest, and Erwin's hand leaves his chin in favor of reaching up to run through his still-damp hair, cradling him close. "I missed this," he murmurs, voicing Levi’s own thoughts and leaning down to press another kiss to the top of Levi's head, "Every day while I was down there, I missed you."

The words go straight to Levi's chest, make him bury his head even further into Erwin's shirt. He wants to say something back, he really does - _I missed you too, Erwin, of course I did_ \- but nothing comes out. He can't form the words, can't find a way to voice the emotions that he's feeling. So instead of speaking, Levi does the first thing that comes to mind. He reaches up and pulls Erwin down once more, body arching up to meet his lips again, kissing him with everything he has.

Instead of cupping Levi's chin this time, Erwin's hand snakes around his waist, pulling Levi close and tight against him. Levi sighs out through his nose in return, opening his mouth and reveling in Erwin's taste. Kissing Erwin is something he took for granted before, even though he knew how quickly the other man could be ripped away from him, and he has missed it more than anything. He missed the way that Erwin moves against him, how he knows exactly how to kiss Levi to make him fall apart. Erwin knows just the right amount of pressure to use when he pulls Levi's bottom lip into between his teeth, and he knows just how to lick into his mouth to make the smaller man melt against him.

Erwin pulls away after a moment, leaning down to mouth at Levi's jaw, the juncture of his neck, and Levi can't help but gasp out at the feeling of Erwin's lips on his skin, his arm tight around his waist. They've been dancing around one another for nearly a month now, ignoring the tension, the connection between them, and now that Levi is finally in Erwin's grasp, he never wants to leave. He leans into the touch, baring his neck and arching his back, his own hands reaching up to tangle in Erwin's damp hair. His lips part, wet, swollen from Erwin's kiss, and he lets out a shuddering breath. "Erwin..."

Erwin simply hums against Levi's skin in response, nose pressed against his neck. He inhales before placing another wet kiss on his throat. "You smell like the ocean," he murmurs softly, and Levi almost wants to laugh at the comment.

"Yeah, well-" he starts, but cuts himself off with a gasp when Erwin begins to suck a mark into the column of his throat. His grip tightens in Erwin's hair, but if the pain bothers the other man, he doesn't mention it. Instead, his hand just falls to Levi's hip, fingers just barely dipping beneath the waistband of his trousers.

" _Fuck_ ," Levi bites. He presses his head into Erwin's chest again, trying to reign in his emotions. They're moving fast, but he has missed Erwin, has missed _this_. And the moment that Erwin's fingers dip just barely inside his pants, Levi wants nothing more than to touch him, see him, feel him. "Bed," he mutters against Erwin's shirt, "Erwin, bed, now."

Erwin laughs against him and Levi smiles at the way it rumbles in his chest. It's a warm, happy sound, something he could easily get used to - something that he missed. "Are you sure?" Erwin asks after a minute.

Levi nods against Erwin, finally pulling away after a moment to look up him. "Yeah," he murmurs, "Yeah, come on."

Thankfully, Erwin listens. He follows Levi across the bedroom, watches as he tosses their forgotten towels onto the floor before his hands fall to the button of his pants, and then -

And then, he reaches out, stopping Levi before he has a chance to take them off. "Let me," Erwin murmurs, and the low tone in his voice has Levi dropping his hands to the side without question, allowing Erwin to help him out of his wet clothes. He fumbles slightly with the button, but Levi is patient, he waits. He and Erwin haven't had sex since he lost his arm - they never had the chance - and it's been long, too long, so he wants this to be right. He doesn't want to rush him.

Eventually, Erwin manages to push Levi's pants down, and he steps out of them and his underwear with ease, kicking them across the bedroom (he'll worry about that mess later) before stepping forward to work on Erwin's clothes. Just like at the beach, Erwin easily pulls his own shirt up and over his head, tossing it to the side, and Levi reaches forward, setting to work on pulling his pants down as well. Before long, Levi is climbing onto his bed and Erwin follows, crawling slowly over his body and slotting between his hips.

Erwin's weight on top of him is a comfortable, familiar feeling to Levi, and he can't help but press his hips up against him, gasping out at the contact, at the sensation. Erwin smiles down at him in return and leans in, kissing Levi once more. This time, however, this kiss is heated, more passionate, with more teeth and tongue and less lips. This kiss is less careful, less practiced, and it leaves Levi clinging onto Erwin's shoulders and pressing up into his body, gasping out when Erwin sucks his bottom lip into his mouth again.

Eventually, Erwin sits up between Levi's legs, kneeing them apart gently, his hand dropping down to Levi's thigh, fingers dangerously close to where Levi aches for his touch. "Do you have anything?" he asks softly, fingers brushing teasingly against Levi's skin, "I don't want to hurt you."

Levi closes his eyes, nodding furiously. "Yeah," he mutters, "Yeah, oil. It's in the other room, hold on." Reluctantly, Erwin moves aside, watching as Levi leaps off the bed and hurries down the hallway. When he returns, it’s with a vile of cooking oil in his hand. It's not desired, but it's what they have, and Levi will be damned if they stop now. He can always go to the nearest town tomorrow and pick something up for next time...

When Levi steps back into the bedroom, Erwin can't help the way he drinks in the sight of him, though - his flushed skin, messy, damp hair pushed back on his head, out of his face, his hard cock jutting out from between his legs. The way that Erwin looks at him causes Levi to pause for a moment, a slight smirk settling over his lips before he slowly, teasingly takes another step forward. He sets the oil on the table next to the bed and reaches up, as if to pull the bolo tie up and off of his neck before sinking back into the bed, but Erwin stops him, calling out before Levi can take it off.

"Wait - leave it on," he murmurs, voice low. And when Levi shoots him an inquisitive look, Erwin simply smiles, adding a soft, " _For me._ "

And Levi wants to chuckle at the way that Erwin almost begs him to keep the bolo tie on, but he can't. He can't, because the idea of leaving it on lights a fire in his groin. He wordlessly obeys Erwin, stepping forward to kneel on the bed once more. But when Erwin moves to press him onto the mattress - to crawl over his body once more - Levi stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

"No," he murmurs softly, "Not like that." He uses his hands on Erwin's shoulders to push him down, press _him_ into the mattress, and Erwin complies easily, watching Levi carefully, waiting for his command.

Eventually, Levi speaks again as he straddles Erwin's hips. "Wanna ride you," he breathes, voice low, and Erwin nods, biting his lip at the words.

With Erwin's compliance, Levi reaches forward for the oil, coating his fingers with it before reaching back, pressing them against his own entrance. In a way, he misses the press of Erwin's almost too-big fingers as he does it to himself, but he decides against it. The look on Erwin's face as he watches him slowly finger himself open is enough to keep Levi going, enough to spur him onward. Erwin reaches up after a moment, his hand gripping one of Levi's ass cheeks, and Levi lets him, revels in the feeling of Erwin's fingers pressing into his skin and pulling him open.

Yeah, he missed this. He missed the low lidded look in Erwin's eyes that he gets now, as he presses fingers into himself, thrusting and stretching. He missed the way that Erwin's touch feels, missed the heat of his body pressed up against his own. Mostly, he missed Erwin.

Levi moves a little too quickly, could probably have taken a little bit more time preparing himself, but when he opens his eyes to look down at Erwin and sees the hungry, lust-filled look on the other man's face in return, he can't help but withdraw his fingers, reaching for the oil once more. His body feels like it's on fire with excitement, as if this is their first time together again, but at the same time, it's familiar. The way that Erwin gasps slightly when Levi touches him, slicking up his dick with nimble fingers, is familiar.

Before long, Levi is sitting up, holding Erwin's cock in place, and sinking down onto him, letting out a stuttering moan as he does so, at the sensation of being filled. Again, he should have taken more care in preparing himself, but the stretch and burn of Erwin's cock is nice. The way that Erwin gasps and exhales on a moan in return is even nicer.

" _Fuck_ ," Levi mutters, head falling between his shoulders. It takes all of his strength not to fall forward, not to let Erwin flip them over and fuck him into oblivion. But he doesn't. He slouches, head hanging between his shoulders, body trembling as he sinks the rest of the way down onto Erwin's cock, but he doesn't fall forward, not yet. "Oh _fuck._ "

Erwin's fingers press into the muscle of Levi's thigh at that, shaking Levi from his trance. "You feel amazing," Erwin murmurs, and Levi almost envies how composed he sounds, wonders if he looks it as well but can't find it in himself to open his eyes just yet. He does move, however, as if Erwin's words spur him on - as if he wants to make the other man fall apart just as much as he is.

By the low moan that escapes Erwin's lips when Levi lifts his hips only to sink back down again, he succeeds. Within moments, Erwin is thrusting up to meet Levi's movements and Levi can't help but gasp at the feeling. But instead of falling forward, slumping onto Erwin's chest and working his ass over his cock desperately until they both get off (as he wants to) Levi makes a show of it. He leans back, his hands back on Erwin's thighs, and arches his back, bearing his throat. If he knows Erwin, he knows that he's watching his every move, that this will be as good for Erwin as it is for him.

And _damn_ , is it good. With the way that Levi arches, it changes the angle of Erwin's thrusts just slightly, and within seconds his cock is pressing into Levi's prostate, earning a loud, surprised moan from him. Levi's own neglected cock jerks at the sensation, and for a moment, he contemplates letting go of Erwin's thighs in favor of reaching forward to touch himself. The angle is too good, though, Erwin's cock seated fully inside of him, brushing the sweet spot with nearly every thrust, that Levi can't bring himself to move. Coming untouched doesn't sound half bad, anyway, so he rolls his hips, gasping again at the feeling and repeating the action.

Despite the way it moves against Levi's chest while he rides Erwin, cord heavy against his skin, Levi nearly forgets about the bolo tie around his neck. In fact, he does, until suddenly, Erwin sits up and reaches forward to grab at it. Levi's eyes fly open and he looks at Erwin for the first time since sinking onto his cock and actually gasps at the sight. He's used to seeing Erwin's face this way - sweaty, damp hair, low lidded eyes and kiss-swollen lips - but it's definitely a sight for sore eyes. It's something that Levi has missed, and the sight alone almost distracts him enough to make him forget about Erwin's grip on the bolo tie. Almost.

But then Erwin is twisting, wrapping the cord around his hand and pulling it tight, dragging Levi down and forcing him to abandon his poised, upright position on his cock. Instead, Erwin drags Levi down, meeting him halfway with a messy kiss and gasped words that are lost on their tongues. Levi didn't want it to end this way - in a way, he wanted to be in control this time - but he doesn't mind it, now. He doesn't mind the dangerous pressure that the bolo tie puts on his throat and he doesn't mind the angle or the way that Erwin still thrusts up into him, cock filling him perfectly again and again.

Levi didn't want it to end this way, but he can't help the way that he moans out, low and guttural, as his head falls forward to press against Erwin's shoulder. He works himself over Erwin's cock, rolling and grinding his hips, meeting him thrust for thrust, and can't help the way that it reduces him to a moaning mess on top of Erwin, fingers clutching onto flesh and sheets and anything he can reach.

It's been too long since he's seen Erwin like this, since he's had this, and suddenly, it all hits Levi at once. The pressure of the bolo tie around his neck suddenly feels very real and Levi's body ignites everywhere that Erwin touches him, everywhere that they're connected. He nearly becomes limp in Erwin's arms, letting the other man thrust up into him, gasping out his name every couple of thrusts, clinging onto him as if he'll disappear if he doesn't.   
  
Eventually, Erwin's hand leaves the bolo tie in favor of holding onto his thigh once more. The leverage is nice, and at that angle, Levi's cock is trapped between their bodies, but the friction that their movements provide is delicious. It has him conflicted between rolling his hips back to meet Erwin's thrusts or arching into the touch and he presses his face into Erwin's shoulder. He sucks a harsh mark into Erwin's skin, using too much teeth and not enough tongue to soothe it, but if Erwin minds, he doesn't say anything. " _Fuck_ ," Levi stutters against damp skin, "Oh fuck, _Erwin_."

Erwin's grip on his thigh tightens at that, his thrusts becoming more erratic, and Levi knows by the movement that he's close - they both are. "Come on," Erwin murmurs, voice thick, syrupy and the sound of it alone is almost enough to make Levi come. "Come for me," he groans, " _Levi._ "

And that's what does it - his name on Erwin's lips sends Levi over the edge. He presses his head into Erwin's shoulder and comes with a gasp, gripping onto every inch of Erwin's skin that he can reach. His body goes limp as he comes down, over stimulated as Erwin thrusts up into a few more times before he's reaching his peak as well and coming inside of Levi with a moan, his hand letting go of his thigh and finding a softer grip on his hip.

For a moment, Levi stays like that, forehead pressed against Erwin's shoulder, shaking slightly as he comes down. Everything happened so fast that it takes him a moment to gather his thoughts before he's sitting up and climbing off of Erwin, scrunching his nose at the mess between them. Without another thought, he reaches down and grabs one of the clean towels off of the floor, using it to clean himself off before handing it over to Erwin.Once both men are cleaned off, Erwin tosses the towel onto the floor, and Levi doesn't object. He can't bring himself to argue the mess or get up and clean, because after a moment, Erwin’s arm is around his waist, comfortable and familiar, and he would rather die than move.

Erwin leans in after a few quiet moments, nosing at Levi's jaw line, peppering a few soft kisses on his face. His hand travels up Levi's naked body, up until it reaches the bolo tie once more. He toys with the stone for a moment, rolling it through his fingers before pressing it against Levi's chest.

Surprisingly, it's Levi who breaks the silence first.

"Stay," he murmurs, voice tired, quiet. He's not even quite sure what he means - stay the night, stay in my bed, stay with me forever - but if Erwin questions it, he doesn't ask. Instead, when he presses another kiss into Levi's neck, his lips curl up into a small smile.

"I'm not going anywhere," he breaths in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that escalated quickly.   
> I really hope you guys like this chapter - it's my favorite!
> 
> Thanks for reading <333


	8. To Be Here Where You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Mind if I take a step back from the war?_   
>  _Take all our guns down_   
>  _Just to see what side I’ve been fighting for_   
>  _Do you remember when we had simple things?_   
>  _And we only needed this_   
>  _To be here where you are_
> 
> _We could walk into the night_  
>  _And all these lights_  
>  _Wouldn’t outshine who you are_  
>  _We could dance into the night_  
>  _And all these lights_  
>  _Couldn’t outshine who you are_  
>  \- [Outshine The Brightest](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-54l_ZPlAds) \- New Empire
> 
> **A/N:**  
>  OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS ALREADY OVER. Thank you all for your kind words and support and for reading this sad, slow burn fic. I really hope this ending is everything you guys have been hoping for.
> 
> I'm currently working on a few other fics (like usual) and will hopefully be posting them sometime in the near future. Feel free to follow me on tumblr ([thefangirlingdead](http://thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com/)) and yell at me about these gross old men or send me writing prompts and things!

The first thing that Levi notices when he wakes in the morning is the soft light filtering in through his bedroom window. The second thing he notices is the thick, salty smell of the ocean in the air and the third is Erwin's arm, heavy and sturdy around his waist. 

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and after a moment of stillness, reaches up to touch the heavy stone on the bolo tie around his neck. The events of the day before almost don't even feel real yet - it's too good to be true - but Erwin's body next to him, his arm around his waist and the weight of the bolo tie around his neck are all proof that it happened. He has Erwin - by some miracle, Erwin came back to him, is lying in bed next to him right now.

As if on cue, Erwin stirs next to him, leaning forward to brush his lips against the back of Levi's neck. Levi can't remember the last time they woke up like this, next to one another, but he knows that it's never been exactly like this before. No, before the end of the war - before Erwin faked his death and risked his life for them - there wasn't time for lazy mornings and slowly waking up next to one another. From time to time, Erwin did manage to convince Levi to spend the night in his bed, but Levi was always up early in the morning, pulling away from Erwin's grip before he had a chance to pull him close like this.

But now... Now they have the time. Now, Levi relaxes into Erwin's touch, can't help the way he smiles slightly at the sign of affection. He moves, reaching down after a long moment to catch Erwin's hand before he can pull it away, lacing their fingers together. 

He feels Erwin smile against his neck at that, pulling him impossibly closer. "Good morning," Erwin murmurs softly, voice deep, still thick with sleep. Levi can't help but let his mind wander to the night before, how Erwin had pulled him close, moaned his name, pushed him over the edge.

He swallows hard, turning onto his back to he can look at Erwin properly and offers a quiet, "Morning." He is in no way prepared, however, for the way that Erwin looks at him in the morning light, emotion spilling over his eyes and a smile tugging at his lips. He isn't prepared for Erwin reaching up, brushing a stray piece of hair out of his face, his thumb resting on his cheek.

And Levi definitely isn't prepared for Erwin's soft words when he speaks again. "I missed you," he says, voice barely above a whisper, "I missed this - every single day, Levi."

Levi wants to collapse. He wants to bury his head in Erwin's chest and clutch onto him and beg him never to leave again. He wants to tell him how much he missed him too, how life was a living hell without him, but he can't. Even now, he can't seem to form the words. So instead of saying that, Levi lets out a little huff of air, turning his head slightly to avoid Erwin's emotional, sincere eyes. It's too much, not enough. He wants to hear those words, he wants to say them back, but he wants to hear others, as well - others that he's too scared to say on his own - 

_I love you._

\- so Levi swallows hard, schools his face, and eventually, turns back to Erwin. "I missed you too," he mutters. And before he can say anything else, he leans forward, pressing his lips to Erwin's. Erwin meets the kiss eagerly, pulling Levi close, and Levi can't help but feel content with this. While there are still plenty of words he wants to say, he has Erwin. Anything else can come with time. 

When he pulls away, Levi scrunches his nose and narrows his eyes up at Erwin in a halfhearted glare. "You smell like shit," he mutters, "We should have bathed last night."

Erwin merely laughs at Levi's words, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. "Sorry, I meant to."

"Yeah, yeah," Levi says in response, even as he lets Erwin pull him closer, "Excuses."

Eventually, Erwin pulls away with a quick kiss on Levi's hair. He sits up, and Levi mimics his actions. "You should go get cleaned up first," he murmurs, reaching out to mindlessly touch the bolo tie around Levi's neck as he speaks, "I'll make some breakfast."

While Levi really doesn't want to move from the bed - Erwin is warm and sturdy against him - he feels dirty, too, can smell the sea salt in his own hair, and listens to his former Commander. After a moment of hesitation, Levi throws his legs over the side of the bed and stands, taking a moment to stretch out his sore muscles before disappearing into the bathroom with a slight smirk, knowing Erwin that was watching. 

By the time Levi has washed his hair thoroughly and scrubbed the remnants of the ocean and the events following off of his skin, breakfast is nearly ready. Levi inhales the delicious smell of Erwin's cooking as he steps into the kitchen, now clad in a soft cotton shirt and loose pants, hair still damp, and smiles. Over the aroma of sausage, eggs and tea, Levi's house smells like the beach, and while normally, he'd be annoyed by the feeling of residual sand on his floors from the day before, he can't bring himself to be upset. His house feels more like a home like this, with Erwin standing in front of the stove, dirty, wet shoes discarded sloppily next to the front door.

_Yeah_ , Levi could get used to this.

Breakfast is a fairly quiet affair, but Levi doesn't mind the silence. Erwin sits comfortably next to him, their feet occasionally brushing underneath the table, and Levi can't help but wish that he'd always had this. He can't help but wish that he hadn't sent Erwin away the first time he came to his house. 

As if he can read Levi's thoughts, Erwin speaks up when they're done with their meal, cleaning the dishes side-by-side in the sink. His tone is suddenly very serious, different from how he'd been speaking to Levi in bed this morning. Levi can tell almost immediately that Erwin spent the majority of his time cooking breakfast thinking about what he wanted to say - it's obvious. 

"I know we haven't discussed our relationship," Erwin says, drawing Levi's attention, "And we don't have to, if you don't want to, but I just want you to know that I never want to make you feel uncomfortable. If you don't want me here, I can leave."

And while Erwin's words a serious and sincere - and while it's definitely something that they need to discuss - Levi can't help but let out a short little laugh in return. Erwin watches him with wide eyes, frozen next to him, and Levi just shakes his head. "Erwin," he mutters, "I wouldn't have fucked you last night if I didn't want you here."

Erwin opens his mouth to speak, but closes it for a moment, his lips forming a tight line, and Levi takes that silence as an opportunity to keep speaking. "Our _relationship_ is a little fucked up," he acknowledges, "But it always has been. I don't care about that. If you want to be here, I want you here."

And when Erwin still doesn't say anything in response, Levi adds in a careful tone, "Unless you have somewhere to be..."

At that, Erwin seems to shake some of the weight off of his shoulders. He lets out a small chuckle. "No," he mutters, "No, I want to be here." And then he's reaching forward with a soapy hand and pulling Levi forward into a kiss. 

While Levi wants to pull back, to bitch and tell Erwin to wash up before he touches him with his grubby hands, he accepts the form of affection, leaning up on his toes into the kiss. He can't take this for granted, not like last time. He'll accept anything Erwin gives him, cherish it, even if he does still smell like nasty salt water. 

When they part, Erwin wraps his arm around Levi's waist, pulling his body closer. "Thank you," he says softly, "We should have discussed this before..."

"Discussed what?" Levi asks, looking up at Erwin with low eyes.

"Our relationship," Erwin replies simply, "What it meant to us."

Levi smiles, huffs out a soft laugh in return. Eventually, he pulls out of Erwin's grasp and resumes washing their dishes, even as Erwin watches him. "We never had the time," he says simply.

"I know," Erwin murmurs apologetically. He takes his place back at Levi's side, taking a plate when it is handed to him and drying it with a clean towel. "But I should have made the time."

Levi just shrugs, glancing up at Erwin. "We have the time now."

Erwin pauses at that, mouth open, gaping at Levi for a second, as if he can't believe that the man is really in front of him, that he has really accepted him back into his life. Eventually, he forms a smile, manages to breathe out a soft, "We do."

And for a moment, Levi is stunned into stillness as well. Though his hair is still disheveled and though he's still dirty from the day before, Levi wants nothing more than to pull Erwin close, to kiss him and tell him how much he missed him, how grateful he is to have him back, how much he loves him...

While he's not certain that he's ready to say those last words, Levi is more than capable of expressing his other feelings. "You know I fought that war for _you_ , right?" he asks, looking up at Erwin with sincere eyes, "I wouldn't have followed anyone else."

_That's_ what their relationship meant to Levi. _Trust, loyalty, faith._ He doesn't need to say anything else for Erwin to get it, because by the look on his face, he understands. Levi hasn't always been the best at expressing how he feels, but Erwin has always been great at translating his actions and words. He steps away from the sink again, pulling Levi close once more. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the top of Levi's head.

Levi's response is immediate, sincere. "Then you won't."

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks, Erwin and Levi fall into a comfortable routine. Levi falls asleep next to Erwin at night and wakes up next to him in the morning. He becomes accustomed to the feeling of his arm draped around his waist, his body pressed up against his own. 

Their relationship doesn't necessarily pick up where it left off years ago in a hospital room, but Levi wouldn't want it to, anyway. He doesn't want what they had before, hidden kisses and quick fucks when they had a chance, hanging onto one another for dear life. No, he wants _this_. He wants lazy mornings and easy afternoons at Erwin's side. He wants to be able to kiss him slowly, to take his time undressing him and really _see_ him, make love to him. He wants _this._

Erwin and Levi don't really talk about things much after that morning in the kitchen, but it's okay. Things settle, Erwin starts to feel at home in Levi's house, and life moves forward. Erwin stays in Levi's bed with him every night and kisses him in the morning, and Levi sure as hell doesn't object to it. He doesn't turn away from Erwin's soft touches and kisses as he had wanted to months ago. While the wound in his chest will always be there - those years without Erwin will always feel painful - Levi moves on from it. He moves forward, and he moves forward with Erwin. 

But still, he can't say the words that he's been dying to say for years now - since that day in that hospital room, if he's being honest with himself.

_I love you._

They're three simple words, and Levi always knew that if he were ever to feel them for anyone, it would be Erwin. It makes sense that it's Erwin, the man who had given him a chance when no one else would, who gave him something to fight for, but the words are stuck in his throat. They won't come out, and Levi can't decide if he prefers it that way or not. 

Even though the war is over, the threat of sudden death is long gone, Levi can't shake the feeling some days that he'll lose Erwin at any given second. The wound is still there, and he can't help but fear losing Erwin all over again. In fact, part of him is terrified that Erwin will be ripped away from again if he says those three words, so he holds them back. 

Maybe, if Erwin says it first, it'll make things easier. _Maybe._

But that doesn't stop Levi from becoming comfortable with Erwin again. His own fear of the future doesn't stop him from living in the moment. Levi doesn't hesitate climbing in Erwin's lap one evening, pushing his book aside and peppering heated kisses down his neck. His own uncertainty doesn't stop him from reaching out for Erwin's hand when they take walks along the coast, and it doesn't stop him from lacing their fingers together over the dinner table when Hanji comes over to visit a few weeks later. (She gives Levi a hug and tells him that she's happy for him when she leaves, too.)

He may not be able to say the words, but it doesn't mean that he can't show them, and Levi is perfectly content with that, as long as Erwin is. 

It isn't until about two months later that things change and the words finally tumble out of Levi's lips. 

Walking along the beach on warm days quickly becomes part of Levi and Erwin's routine, and even on cooler autumn evenings, sometimes the pair will add a couple of layers to their wardrobe and stroll along the coast. It's unspoken, but they both love the view - they both love the freeing sense of being able to look out over the ocean for miles, watching the sun dip behind the horizon without walls or trees obstructing their views. Sometimes, Levi wonders what is on the other side, feels the urge to don his gear and fly as far as it'll take him just to see. Sometimes, he envies the birds as they fly high in the sky, off into the distance.

But most of the time, he just feels lucky to be here - to have lived long enough to experience this, with Erwin by his side nonetheless. 

The evenings seem to get colder and colder as summer fades into autumn, but Erwin and Levi keep the unspoken promise of taking their sunset walks along the coast, and a cloudy, foggy evening in September is no exception. Levi finds himself walking just slightly behind Erwin along the cliffs, gazing out over the grey horizon. It's windy and cool outside, almost on the verge of raining, but the view is still beautiful. 

Erwin's empty sleeve blows in the wind, catching Levi's attention. Sometimes, he wonders if Erwin misses his arm or if he thinks the sacrifice was worth it in the end, but he never asks. Erwin is strong - he always has been. Even now, he looks like the Commander that Levi fell in love with years ago. 

"I never thought we'd live this long," Levi says, breaking the silence between them, "To see this."

Erwin pauses, waiting for Levi to catch up to him before humming in agreement. He doesn't say anything in response, though, leaving Levi to go on, because he knows that he wouldn't have spoken up if he didn't have something else to say. 

Levi takes the moment to swallow hard, adding, "I'm glad you're here with me."

At those words, Erwin stops walking and Levi pauses as well. He watches as Erwin turns to him, reaching his hand out to take one of Levi's in his own. He smiles, and it's warm enough to make Levi forget about the cool air biting through his jacket. "There isn't anyone I'd rather share this with Levi," he says with a gentle squeeze to Levi's hand. Wordlessly, he leans down to press a soft kiss to Levi's lips and Levi arches up into it in return.

Erwin doesn't let go of Levi's hand when he resumes walking, and despite the cold, Levi laces their fingers together, the touch warming his heart. They only walk a few more steps before Levi stops again, however. Somehow, it all just hits him - Erwin's warm touch, his soft kisses... The bolo tie that he's taken to wearing underneath his shirt like a promise feels heavy around his neck now, and when Erwin turns back around to look at him when he stops suddenly, it all just hits Levi. The words bubble up easily, make their way out his Levi's mouth before he even knows that he's saying them. 

"I love you, you know."

They feel natural, easy on Levi's lips. Even though his heart races with the admission and he feels dizzy and nervous, it feels right. The words were always meant for Erwin - he can't imagine himself saying them to anyone else but him. 

In a split second, Erwin's look of confusion turns into one of speechlessness before a smile forms on his lips. He takes a step forward after a moment of silence, letting go of Levi's hand in favor of touching his cheek. Levi can't help but lean into the touch.

"Oh, Levi..." Erwin murmurs softly, emotion dripping off his voice. He leans down, meeting Levi halfway for another kiss, only this time, it feels like the first time all over again. Levi's hands tremble as one finds its way at the back of Erwin's neck, the other sliding around the small of his back. If this is what falling in love feels like, he doesn't know why he didn't let himself take the leap earlier. 

When Erwin eventually ends the kiss, he holds Levi close, brushes stray hairs away from his face. "I love you," he responds, gazing down at him, "I always have. I don't know what I did to deserve this life with you..."

Levi simply shrugs at Erwin's words, face suddenly hot under his gaze. "Your guess is as good as mine."

Erwin laughs at that, smooth and easy, and for a moment, Levi forgets about the walls and the titans and all of the struggles and pain that they went through to get to this moment. He smiles and lets Erwin pull him in for a tight hug, lets him press a kiss to the top of his head. The embrace is long, but Levi doesn't mind. He nuzzles into the warmth of Erwin's chest, allows himself to breathe in his scent, something he thought he'd never be able to do again, and he can't help but think that if it were all to end now, he would be happy. Levi wouldn't want it any other way than this, Erwin's arm wrapped around him, holding him tight, his bolo tie hanging at home around his neck, cool wind blowing sea salt and freedom through the air. 

For the first time since retiring and moving into his cottage by the sea, Levi finally feels at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY. I sort of didn't want to end, but I thought this was a good place to leave it. Thank you all so much for sticking with this one! I hope all of the terrible angst was worth it in the end haha.
> 
> <333

**Author's Note:**

> I PROMISE THIS GETS MUCH BETTER AND I'M REALLY SORRY FOR A TERRIBLE CLIFF HANGER ON THE FIRST CHAPTER.
> 
> There's no way that I could write 8 chapters of Erwin being dead, so I promise you'll see him again soon.


End file.
